Post archive: https://archive.is/NoUzg

I think as long as he knows how you feel (interested but worried) you can continue doing whatever intimate stuff you are comfortable with until one day you push it a little further when you're both in the mood. As long as you're genuinely relaxed and truly trust him it wont be a bad experience. As a woman if you're too nervous and tense you wont be wet and it wont feel good and may even hurt so take that into consideration. My first time was with a friend and I just wanted to get it over with as I was 16 and "not like other girls" eyeroll so I'd say you're already miles ahead of me in terms of maturity and understanding the weight sex can have. Best of luck to you!

I would say don't just override your feelings. I did that for years, and "just did it anyway" and honestly, I regret that. I'm now in the process of trying to reset my relationship to my body.

By overriding your body, you are actually telling it to feel LESS. And to have truly satisfying sex, you want to stay feeling as much as possible.

Also, we live in a culture that thinks that "sex" means a penis has to go in a vagina. I've found a lot of freedom in ditching that very narrow definition and playing instead in the field of "sexual energy" which can mean a lot of different things. Do you and your boyfriend engage with other aspects? Let sex mean all the ways you give each others bodies pleasure. With your fingertips, with skin gliding against skin, with kisses and caresses. With rubbing up against each other. Anything that feels truly good is what you're going for. Just play in that field, there's really no need to force anything.

Let your body tell you if and when it wants to be entered. Trust that you will know when it's right. It's actually a pretty big deal (psychologically, emotionally, spiritually). Trust your body to know what it wants and when it's ready. If you're feeling a deep grey black fear, it's probably not time. If you're mind is saying no no no no, it's definitely not time.

Imagine your body as another being, another person. I really doubt your would force another person to do something they felt that scared of. As women, we so often treat ourselves as if we don't matter.

I'm really happy for you that you have a partner who is not pressuring you. That's a real gift. Women get so trained that we exist for others benefit, and in sex that usually means that we exist for a man's pleasure. Be there for your own pleasure. And for connecting with your partner.

Advice I wish I had been given when I was just starting out include: Touch each others bodies in slow, sensual ways. Slow down. Then slow down some more (if you watch porn, going slow can feel "wrong" or "boring" it's not, oh and ditch the porn). As hard as it is, try to let go of the goal of orgasms, or even the goal of penetrative sex, and let the goal be just feeling as much pleasure as you can. Be in your body. If you start being in your mind, notice that and take a little break. You can still stay connected, sitting together or cuddling, and wait until it feels right before continuing. Breathe. Oil is your friend. Your body is wise. Trust it.

Anyway, hope some of that is helpful.

I had this same issue when I was around your age and in the same situation. But, I didn’t ignore my feelings of hesitation. Nothing ever truly felt “right” about it, until it finally did - with the right person, in the right situation. See I wanted to have sex, thought I wanted to with the boyfriend I was with at the time.

But as soon as I found the guy I lost my virginity to, it was no longer about thinking about it or planning it. It just simply happened and I didn’t need to plan it or think about it or be nervous.

I know that probably doesn’t help you know how to judge the situation right now. But it’s a feeling and a state of mind. Not so much a logic or comfort thing. When you’re ready it’ll just naturally occur.

I pushed past the “no no no” and I regret it, because for me it was coming from knowing it was the wrong choice of person for my first time.

Is there anything you fear? Is there something you want, that you’re scared you won’t get from the potential interaction? The best person (but not the only person) you can talk to about this is your boyfriend. You can also continue to wait, as long as you want to, for any reason at all.

You shouldn't feel like you need to power through sex. there's a big difference between nerves and "deep grey black fear."

If your mind is saying no, there is really nothing to be lost by waiting. Are there other things you can do together in the mean time? Heavy petting? Oral? Mutual masturbation?

Don't push through it. What you're describing isn't a normal part of having sex for the first time. Sex is something you do with your body not your mind. If you think you want to, but feel like you don't, you don't want to. Please don't get into a habit of making yourself have sex you don't want to have.

I was in pretty much the same situation as you the first time I had sex, same ages, same relationship length and so on, and I did not feel any dread whatsoever. That would be a horrible experience, especially for your first time. It's not at all necessary for it to be like that

Maybe you're just not ready. You say "I want to have sex one day you know" like you're worried this will always be like this, but 18 is still pretty young. I think it's the average age to first have sex, not at all late as you seem to be worried? And I know loads of people who regret not waiting longer but none who wish they'd powered through sooner. I don't think there's a lot you can really "do", I think it's just time.

I think you need to realize that unless he prioritizes your comfort over his desire to have sex, you should not have sex with him! Not only his needs matter in this relationship. If he decides that having sex is a dealbreaker for him, trust me on this: the relationship is not the right one and you should not compromise how you feel.

I think that realization can feel scary because it makes the possibility of breaking up more real... but it really is better for your mental health long term to stick to your guns on this.

Please do NOT have sex until that black fear is gone. It could arise out of multiple things- whether it’s past sexual trauma or simply not being ready yet, you should honor your feelings and never try to separate your sex life from your feelings of comfort. It’s a slippery slope into not only doing sexual things you don’t like, but also resenting you’re partner, and getting disconnected from your own body and sexuality. I think some introspection could help- is there anything that you can 100% tell this fear is tied to? Like say, a fear of pregnancy or the physical pain that people say happens the first time? If it’s not something easily identifiable like this, then most likely you are not ready or he’s not someone you are comfortable with having sex with at this time. Give yourself time. I was apprehensive and fearful of sex before I started dating, but when the first time came around, there was no fear and we knew we were ready. I am lucky and have little to no negativity or regrets surrounding my sexual experiences, and it all started with being ready, safe, and comfortable the first time.

Just do it? Sex isn't a big deal