So I have this problem with my relationships where every friend I have im questioning whether I have romantic/sexual feelings for them. Not sure if it's because I'm bi but it's definitely exacerbated the issue because i don't really have a group of people I couldn't ever feel that way about the way a monosexual person would (gay or straight)

But recently I've started feeling this way towards a straight male friend of mine, we've been spending a lot of time together recently and the dynamic is starting to change into a lot closer of a friendship and kind of blurring the lines a bit. If I was a cis woman who never transitioned to male we would probably be together or had at least explored the possibility or discussed it, but since I'm still living as a male (despite not identifying that way any longer and being very new to detransitioning) that's putting a hold on anything like that

But last night we were hanging out with another mutual friend and she made a few jokes/insinuations about it and its made me think a bit more about it

I just don't know how to even see myself as a woman at this point so how is any straight guy going to especially when he's seen me as a guy our whole friendship

And I also don't know if I have feelings for him or not, definitely not sexual but I think it may be romantic attraction which is usually reserved for women for me which is strange

Idk what to do, it's so fucked and yet another episode of why did I do this to myself

Hello friends, I detransitioned (ftmtf) just over 1 year ago after taking testosterone for 3 years. My whole life I've been attracted to women, and, since detransitioning, I have been identifying as a lesbian once again. However, in the past couple of months, I've begun feeling attracted to some men, and I've been interested in exploring a relationship with a man. To be clear, I don't think this is a bad thing, and I'm going to allow myself to explore these new feelings. I just wonder if anyone else here has had a similar experience? I definitely think it's related to my hormonal changes.

Pic because this Johhny Depp cologne commercial helped me realize that I'm attracted to men lol

I (23 male) was on hormones for three months. E injections and spiro. Last time I got my levels checked my T was at 10.1. I stopped hormones about two weeks ago, and my energy and libido are coming back. Two weeks before stopping hormones I jerked off and came blood. This freaked me tf out, I went to the hospital and the doctor told me it wasn’t a UTI and was probably just due to some atrophying. Hadn’t happened in a month, but today it happened again but was mixed with semen. So why am I cumming blood?? Do I need to go back to the hospital? I’m seriously bugging out.

Kinda of a random thought.

So awhile back I was so certain I was going to go back to being female, but was uncomfortable doing that socially. I have social anxiety so was scared of judgement from others and I live in a new city where my friends didn't know me beforehand.

I have been off T nearly a year now as this has been my questioning period. Now having been off longer it has made me comfortable just being "me" and I don't feel like I need to take further action yet. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety around it or I genuinely think I'm fine with he/they pronouns. I switch between wanting to go back to my old name/pronouns and wanting to stay how I am (masc but also feminine features). It could also be that I don't like how my birth name feels when said towards me now. I have grown my hair out to see how it feels but I want to cut it again soon

Does anyone else have similar experiences? Did you go through with it all or did you feel comfortable in just being you?

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I was just going through a drawer in the bathroom and found a huge pack of shampoo bottles ("for guys") my parents bought me only a few months after I came out. It was so big that it lasted longer than my transition. I think my dad will use them because I'd get reverse dysphoria. Kinda weird how I was so happy about getting them, unaware of the fact that I'll never want to use them up

Hi. I am mtf. I have had thoughts of transition for a very long time, but honestly they were mostly vague until my late teens. I knew from a young age I was interested in boys, so I have always been in camp queer. I grew up home schooled and deeply closeted. I honestly hated myself and tried to erase every trace of my queerness, and also tried to keep from showing any signs of femininity to my friends or family.

I started hormones last year and have basically just boymoded, but it gave me the chance to get myself out of the rigid shell of masculinity I had made. It's been so so freeing in many ways, but in others it's made things so much harder. I am so tired of the tension. Of wondering how I'm being gendered. Of the just general anxiety of being something that feels so misunderstood. And of the distance I've created between myself and my family..

How likely is it that I'm just a gay man with some sort of internalized phobia? Or am I trans and just hate dealing with being trans? I really don't know if I can go back to living without HRT, and eventually I do want to stop boymoding. I've always seen my future self as a woman. That's the path I want. But at the same time, it feels silly to say I am a woman... how can I be? I don't know.

Really sorry for the vent but I just wanted to hear yalls opinion

i don't know why it happened, but 7 years ago i began experiencing something like DID. it's not DID because i don't experience memory loss between switches. i had a head injury at some point, but i don't remember when it was. anyway, the first one of us to appear (and oddly enough, replace the original personality) was male. every subsequent personality was also male. until recently. now, i KNEW i wasn't "actually" trans right from the beginning. i was a man in a woman's body, but not in the same way other people meant when they said the same thing.

now i've been on testosterone for a couple of years, and i'm worried i've messed up my body beyond repair. the female personality has become increasingly active, so much so to the point she's there nearly half the time. i should've just been honest from the start, but i knew they would withhold treatment (and with good reason). but i was a teenager at the time and like most teenagers, thought i knew what was best for me.

now here's the kicker. i have somewhat of a phobia of periods. i never got used to having one. i would be anxious the whole month in anticipation, and when it was over, i'd be anxious for the next. i'm grossed out by having a vagina, i've never even put so much as a tampon up there and i don't plan on ever doing so. even the female personality is disgusted by it.

also i'm not sure if i'm balding, so that's another time bomb waiting to go off. if i continue on testosterone i'll probably get a receding hairline (if i haven't already), and then i'll never pass as a woman if i detransition.

i feel conflicted beyond belief and the only viable option seems like hurling myself off the nearest cliff. will i ever be able to look like a woman again? should i detransition? should i smack my head on the ground and hope it will trick my brain into being normal again?

i know this is really weird. maybe i'm a lost cause.

I made a post here about a week ago worried that my new endometriosis diagnosis would stop me from being able to stay on HRT and how that could possibly affect my desire to detransition. I was able to meet with my pediatrician and endocrinologist team yesterday, and I'm going to be able to stay on testosterone!!! They're just going to up my dosage and monitor my levels more closely, so I'll be able to metabolize the amount I need to see changes. When I'm 18 I'll have a hysterectomy so I don't have to worry about the dangers of the extra tissue buildup, but I have a few years until that happens.

Thank you to everyone who left good wishes and positive comments/advice on my last post :) I really appreciate it

I was just thinking about how messed up it is that the medical professionals are trained in how to get you get going with transition, but apparently (if my experience is representative of a larger trend) have zero training in getting you out of it safely. It actually seems pretty dangerous to me now to recommend that someone stop testosterone cold turkey if they already are having mental health issues or experiencing some kind of intense stress or crisis. It seems like a good idea to at least warn someone about the mood/psychological withdrawal symptoms they may experience (depressed mood? Mood swings? Suicidal thoughts?). I was experiencing a crisis when I stopped testosterone and I told my PCP this was the case and my primary care provider told me I could stop cold turkey without warning me of the risks/telling me what kind of withdrawal symptoms I might expect. It’s so crazy. It’s like they don’t even know what these hormones do?? When I went in to talk to my PCP about stopping testosterone (and to get a rx for an antidepressant), without my asking questions about it, he went over with me the permanent and temporary cosmetic changes, and what they think will change back, etc when you stop. So crazy. And in my experience, a lot more changed back than he said would. My body hair is actually back to where it was pre-testosterone injections (after 2 years on T, 2.5 years off), facial hair is still a thing, but it’s reduced so so much. It is so crazy and really seems like my PCP was prescribing me powerful drugs/hormones without actually knowing all of what they do or how they impact patients??

I am really interested to know what happens with the WPATH SOC8. Does anyone know when exactly it’s coming out?

I'm about to change my name back to my birth name after 3(!!!!!!!!!!) previous legal name changes. This one will be my fourth. If it's a competition I think I've won, but I also wondered if anyone has outdone me in that regard :P

My names changes went Birth name -> Male name -> Middle name change -> First name spelling change -> Birth name. I think all the obsessive changes sort of reveal the underlying confusion and unhappiness with my transition lol.

I'm honestly happy to have my birth name back as it's a really pretty one that I always felt somewhat bad for abandoning. Getting it notarized in person is gonna sting tho since I have to show them my laundry list of names on the papers :')

Hi, everyone. In case anyone who has responded to my past posts is reading this, I want to thank y'all for sparing a moment to reach out to me and everyone on this subreddit for being so kind and understanding. I know I have a hard to replying to people here, but every time I feel like the pain is too much to bear I go back and read all of your replies and try my best to have hope. They really do help me. I always feel so alone with all these thoughts. I don't know where I'd go if there was nowhere to vent these things to and find advice from people who can understand. I'm so grateful for that. I'm working on getting a new therapist so I can have someone there to help me keep pushing through and hopefully get to the point where I can actually help some other struggling detrans people and not just show up here and probably make people sad lol.

Some people have commented and told me I could DM them but I feel too awkward to reach out to them now, so I figured I'd put it out there and just say anyone can feel free to DM me. If there are other detrans chicks out there who have any advice or just wanna talk, I'd love to hear from you guys. I usually use snapchat or discord.

I just wish I had someone to talk to who knows at least some of what I'm going through. I wonder if/when we'll have more than just this subreddit to talk openly about this stuff with other people.

I hope everyone's doing okay. ♡ Have a good night.

Like the title says.

I feel like I'm out of options. I feel like this is checkmate.

I was AMAB, but identify as female. I wish I had been born a girl.

I transitioned and lived as a trans woman for three years. There were parts of it that were great, but overall, it made my life worse. I couldn't do it.

I detransitioned a few months ago, and after a few weeks, the gender dysphoria crept back in and it has been overwhelming.

I'm safe right now, but I have been thinking of killing myself. I have a plan. I'm putting all of the pieces in place. I'm at a 9 out of 10 on this scale.

I don't know what else to do.

If anyone (MTFTM or FTMTF) has any advice, I'm all ears.

I am 21 years old, born as female and have been identifying as a man for the past seven years. I have not medically transitioned in any way. I once tried to (age 17) get access to psychiatric (and then eventually medical) help regarding my trans identity, but my parents found out about my attempts and shut that down very quickly.

I feel like a man. I fully do. But I really don't want to. Every time I imagine myself in the future, I see myself as a man, I can't imagine living my life as a woman, but I quite honestly do not believe in this whole trans thing. I believe I am delusional and that at some point something just went wrong with my brain. Maybe I was brainwashed into thinking that this was okay by the internet. And maybe I just can't get out of that thinking after so many years. It's so strange when you feel something so strongly, but have an extremely hard time actually believing in it.

I will loose my entire family if I transition. I am extremely afraid that I'll end up regretting transitioning down the line. But at the same time, I feel like I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I don't transition. I just want to be normal. I want to feel happy as a cis woman, but I just can't. There has to be a way that I'll feel happy as a woman some day... right? If there is a way, I want to find it. I will take any advice.

I am very sorry if this isn't the right place for me to post this. I am obviously not a detransitioner (yet, anyway), but I just have so many doubts about everything. I'm afraid that other communities would just block me for even having these thoughts and I'd be left alone with them.

I think I understand why kids and teens might get confused and try to be the opposite gender, But, what makes adults do that?

i’ve been banned from a good number of subs, this morning i just got banned from r/polls for saying i didn’t think nonbinary was real and that it was just personality.

it hurts a bit, and it reminds me of the things that hurt more, like when i got banned from some woman-centered subs like xxchromosomes for saying that trans men can get pregnant and trans women can’t, therefore pregnancy discussions are about females not males.

idk it makes me sad sometimes

does this happen to you guys?

Did you fetishize gay Men growing up or consumed fetishy gay content like boys love,yaoi,erotica,porn etc.

View Poll

Did you have a libido on your endogenous hormones pre T, I know that afabs tend to not typically have high libidos and on top of that body dysmorphia,depression,identity crisis could nuke whatever little libidos they have.

https://old.reddit.com/r/detrans/comments/ba28tu/to_cope_with_gender_dysphoria_without/

He cuts off from alternative sources of knowledge here, in order to brainwash the poster:

Don’t listen to you’re therapist
Avoid trans subreddits because they will brainwash you

No, they won't. In fact, it's that person who wants to brainwash you.

i’m now 3-ish months off testosterone and going by no label, both sexuality and gender wise. i think i like boys… i think i like girls? it doesn’t really matter though because at the moment i’m not comfortable enough with my body and my appearance to be with someone else romantically or sexually.

when i explained my detransition to my parents i told them that this story was mine, uniquely, and that it doesn’t represent all trans people. because, yes there are surely (binary?) trans people who exist, but i am not one of them. my story and the stories of other detransitioners don’t exist to be used as evidence against trans identity (imo).

but, when trans ppl come up on my tiktok fyp (because tiktok still thinks i’m trans… and my lack of association with a gender label would make me non-binary and trans, technically), i’m quick to mark it as ‘not interested’ to lessen the amount of trans tiktoks i see. i’ve started to feel that constant talk about trans things is annoying and harmful. i find trans ppl annoying when they complain about getting misgendered. i especially find trans men annoying… almost holding them to a higher standard than i do cis men. kinda feeling that they are all incels or something. except for the ppl i like, i seem to find gbt men more annoying than i do cishet men.

seeing ppl say they experienced homophobic or transphobic micro aggressions, it starts to feel that all they are doing is complaining about being trans. i think in my head “none of this matters” and “ur making ur own problems” and “that person is probably gonna regret transitioning” . i first wrote these off as intrusive thoughts, but i now feel it is not that and actually just my internal monologue.

i’m thinking the main reason for these thoughts is because it reminds me of the way i was when i thought i was a gay trans man. it makes me cringe to think i was like that. so naive, not having experienced the world for what it really was. making a big deal out of little things. annoying.

i know i’m not a trans man anymore, but at the same time i see cis men and think… “i wish i looked like him” … i think i may have just been dissatisfied with how i looked as a trans man… because it’s true, i wish i was a tall, pretty, skinny, cis kpop boy… but i’ll never be that. which sucks cuz that means i have to be a girl and being a girl seems like a lot of work. and especially now since i look so manly.. in an ugly non-pretty boy way. i wish i never transitioned. i wonder what i would have looked like if i hadn’t transitioned. i think about that so much. and saying that makes me worry i’ll make someone feel worse about themselves. but it’s true, i hate the way i look. i hate it so much. i wish i was a pretty cis boy or a pretty cis girl but i’m neither. i wish my hair was still long. why did i even cut it?

i feel uncomfortable… about trans things but also about everything… and i’m uncomfortable with my uncomfortable-ness. i do my best to avoid lgbt spaces since they cause feelings of discomfort but that only makes it worse when i don’t have the choice to avoid something. i hate that i don’t care enough about trans topics anymore. like, yeah i’m not trans anymore but that shouldn’t mean i’m no longer an ally to the lgbt community? i don’t wanna be a bigot.. but i don’t care enough to have a position on any of it… i don’t think societal labels matter anymore. it all feels pointless. i don’t know. i feel like i’m a terrible person for saying this out loud. i’m sorry.

When reading this subreddit, I noticed some people mention that 80% of trans children desist once they hit puberty.

It sounds too much to be true, where do you get that figure from?

Anyone have any recommendations? I'm finding a lot of therapists are pro-transition and I'm struggling to find someone to help me work through my detransition.

I was on HRT for about 4 years. I’m not on testosterone yet or anything just the natural levels in my body, which are very low but not non-existent. Since I got off HRT my health has declined significantly. I’m getting UTIs (not normal for males under 50), lethargy, weight gain, and insane random cramps or soreness. Could getting on T help this? I know I should see an Endo i’m just kind of panicked. I want to live long, have a family w/ my wife, etc. I’m only 23 :/ Any advice? Testosterone supplements? Has anyone else been on estrogen this long and stopped?

and man, I can't believe I lived with those things for 8 years.

I had a full meta w/ implants in January 2013. Almost immediately after seeing my genitals post-op, I felt such profound, deep, disgusting discomfort. They weren't at all what I was hoping and expecting! I thought I would look male...instead I just looked like a reconfigured female with badly positioned plastic balls. But, it wasn't like I could turn back right? So I just sucked it up and dealt with it for 8 years, trying to make the most of things, but never quite gaining comfort.

Until last week. Man, I didn't realize how much better I would feel afterwards. And from just a 30min procedure using local anesthesia! I still want to have PPT to have a vagina again, but this is so comforting in the meantime. My mons/labia look female, my clitoris is hidden beneath the folds (well it always was), I look normal in underwear. I don't feel anything shifting and rubbing against my pubic bone when I cross my legs! Man, it's the little things.

Up until last week I was truly dreading my detransition, having to air my dirty laundry to my friends/coworkers again. But now I'm feeling so much more hopeful for what's to come. I might be able to have a somewhat normal life as a female again, despite everything.

I have been transitioning and on E for 2 years now, and I'm just so tired of adding low-level friction to every goddamn social interaction I have. The uncertainty, the quick size-up looks, the awkward "excuse me sir, I mean ma'am," the coworkers in large meetings saying "his team, I mean, I'm so sorry, THEIR team, will take this project on..." I hate feeling awkward all the time, and that clothes of either gender no longer fit. The thing I miss most about pre-transition life is the privilege of casual invisibility. I want to get that back somehow, to just be normal and accept myself and blend in and let go of labels and goals and just be.

But but but! Medical transition has been good to me. I hate everything about how 20 years of natural testosterone made me feel. Oily skin, overwhelming and intrusive libido, emotional detachment, unearned confidence and arrogance. All of that has just evaporated with estrogen. I find that it's only possible for me to live the Christian fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) in an estrogenic body. (I'm no longer religious, but that language still speaks to me some...)

I have never been one for performative femininity and my fashion is very neutral, though I have removed my facial hair and grown out my hair. I am under no delusion that I am a woman, but I do strongly prefer my demasculinized/feminized brain and body.

What do I do? Detransition would make everything socially easier but if T returned full force I know I would be extremely unhappy. Continuing in this ambiguous/enby space feels physically very comfortable to me but socially it's been a disaster so far. I could attempt to be much more outwardly femme but that feels inauthentic and frankly anti-feminist to me. There should be absolutely nothing wrong with me using my voice's full, natural resonance, for instance.

My family doesn't acknowledge or accept anything about my transition. My 16-year partner and I are divorcing. My coworkers are split between the older generation who now avoids me and the younger generation who hugbox me and offer copious praise. Neither feel natural, or authentic, or easy. I want natural, authentic, and easy!

Help?

(Photos for comparison, 2021 vs. 2018)

https://preview.redd.it/ejcam4ce5wr71.jpg?width=2046&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e377c8afd7a952a38ba78480b45d79effdf364ba

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im back here again. decided im going to try living as female again. it feels right for now at least.

however im not sure i can just go back to my birth name; i feel so detached from it and so much hatred has been put towards it. would it be acceptable for me to find a new female name? im not even sure i could find another one because i already HAVE a female name, but idk.

Does anyone know how to find a therapist who will actually assess my options with me and help me discover whether transitioning is a path that will make me happy instead of just practicing the affirmative care model? I finally found a therapist who is willing to listen to all of my questions about gender and wrestle with whether or not it’s an important enough social construct for me to need to transition, but she doesn’t feel like she has enough expertise in the realm of gender dysphoria to truly help me. Honestly, I don’t think anyone really has enough expertise to help me, because the limited research we have about gender is so behind, but does anyone know of any therapists who are knowledgeable in the area of gender dysphoria and are willing to ask tough questions with me, or at least how to find these people?

I just went to the city hall to chance my gendermarker, so now I'm offically a female again and I have my birth name back! Feel so much happier now.

Plus I went to the shop after I went to the city hall and the lady behind the counter called me ma'am. A few days ago when I called the city hall to make an appointment the lady on the phone also called me ma'am. So slowly I'm getting back to the woman as I was born.

24, AMAB, I started MtF HRT very recently.

It's surely all placebo at this point, but my mental health has tanked. The gravity of what I'm doing began to hit me, how I'm going from having as close to an "ideal" of a male body as I could realistically have to having a female body stretched over a male skeleton that probably won't convince anyone.

I guess I'll go over the process that got me here. I was a very effeminate, flamboyant child. Something felt wrong when I hit puberty, though, to the point that I went from being a brilliant kid on path to becoming a scientist to a depressed slacker who could barely pass (destroyed the SATs, though.) It took me awhile to explore my sexuality because I disliked having one at all, but I ended up having a fixation on erotica where men magically are turned into women and have extremely rough sex. I wished that would happen to me, I knew it wasn't possible but I wished it nonetheless. Things became more intense as I got older; I never was able to date women because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin and felt a constant envy for women. After crashing again in my second year of college I began to actively use fantasies of myself having sex as a woman as masturbation material because I lost internet access for several months.

Since my "egg cracking" in July the thought of being born the wrong gender dominates my thoughts, it felt like I assembled all the pieces...but just a bit too late. My face and build are too masculine to realistically pass, I'm moderately tall for a man and VERY tall for a woman so attention would always be drawn to me. Also every now and then I come across examples of masculinity that give me a rush of AGAB euphoria, which makes me wonder if I have elements of genderfluidity (which I thought was a BS concept, but now I'm not so sure) or if the "real" me has been locked away due to other reasons, since I hit puberty around the same time my mother died and I burned out academically for other reasons.

I've also noticed as I've mentally started seeing myself "as a woman", and seeing men as the "other" instead of the other way around like I did my entire life, men started becoming a MUCH more appealing gender, which makes me wonder how much of this is my brain proverbially seeing greener grass.

I should mention I'm on the autism spectrum and have a tendency to hyperfixate, but I don't think this is hyperfixation because I had that obsession with genderbend erotica since I was a teenager.

Anyway, I'm considering just "detransitioning" at this point if you can even call it that. I feel a lot of tenderness in my chest and I'm concerned I may have given myself minor gyno with this little episode. Just hoping to get some thoughts on my situation.

I don't know what to do. I've been trying so hard to live with the regret and I just can't. I don't want to die this ugly. If I'm only going to age and get uglier from here, life just doesn't feel worth living. All I ever wanted was to feel beautiful.

I would ask for body dysmorphic disorder resources, but maybe the truth is my body is just objectively disgusting. There's no cure for that except surgery.

I'm finally leaving my therapist of four years because I keep trying to tell her I'm struggling with these things and instead of talking about my feelings she just said something along the lines of "There, you got your yammering out of the way!" and yet again talked about something totally unrelated about herself. Because she's a trans woman she seems to have a hard time talking about my body issues around my detransition, even though she's fully supportive of the detransition itself. There are other things too—she keeps making things uncomortably personal (trying to invite herself over to my house, which seems very unprofessional even though she was offering to do me favor) and making things all about herself (I was seeking advice about my monogamous relationship with my boyfriend and for some reason she completely derailed the conversation to say I should try sleeping with lesbians and LITERALLY complain about how cis lesbians wouldn't fuck her). She had been helping me for a while with other things, but I don't feel comfortable telling her anything anymore. I'm losing hope that therapy will ever help me. I figure at least my therapist at least knows more about detransition than I can expect anyone to. Am I just completely alone now?

I feel so incomplete. I feel so mutilated. I just want the pain to stop. Does it never stop? Is this just what life is? I can't die without ever getting to live as a normal woman like I was supposed to be. I don't know how to stop wanting to die. There aren't any therapists who specialize in detransition are there? I don't want to die, but I can't live in this butchered, masculinized body either. I would do anything to escape this body. Is there anyway to make the pain stop? Should I just make myself a functional drug addict to get through the day and at leaat try to make other people happy since I've destroyed the possibility of happiness for myself? Anti-depressants have never helped me. I'm so scared. I tried to pretend that I believe in a god to at least have somewhere to direct the pain, but I'm too skeptical and I just end up sobbing and begging the universe to kill me and let me be re-born as a happy woman.

Please let me know if anyone has any advice that might help at all. I don't want to die broken. I don't want to be on my deathbed and in agony that I never got to chance to be a normal, happy person even for a short time. I don't want my life to be a meaningless and joyless march into the grave.

Hello all, I made this post a week ago but deleted my account in a panic so apologies if that happens often here. The tl;dr of it is I’ve been socially transitioning for 4 years (though I’m still closeted with family) and am a week into month four of taking HRT (First 3 months were 4mg of estradiol. This has increased to 6mg + 50mg of spiro). Part of me wants to detransition to not deal with the pain of coming out to my family as well as the personal/financial burden. So here’s where I’m at now. (Apologies again if this isn't organized well).

I think I’m going to stop transitioning. I figure I can always start again if need be but for now I’m going to desist or detransition or whatever the word is for it. This is just as scary to write as my first coming out post was so I’m just trying to fully realize that this is happening. I've been browsing the sub and watching videos on YouTube for the past two weeks or so and this is the conclusion I've come to.

I just hate having to live two lives… my closeted self and my trans self. Granted this is because I’m not out to family, living at home, etc. Both feel like a mask I’m putting on and that I live in a limbo state. I came out when I was 19, an age where I knew what I wanted to do with my life but still was figuring myself out. At 23 I've become more comfortable with who I am, I am way more confident than I was then, and I think that transitioning is no longer part of that if that makes sense.

I think like coming out as trans, I’m going to come out as detrans slowly. A lot of people know me as a woman. Hell most of them don’t even know I’m trans to begin with so this will definitely be a process. I accept that I’m going to be rejected by some of them. I’ve lost a lot of friends from growing up and transitioning so I’m no stranger to it. Hell I don't know how I'm going to make new friends. It’s a new point in my life that I’m going to have to navigate.

My only question now is where do I go from here HRT wise? Can I cut it cold-turkey and be okay? My blood test at 3 months showed that my testosterone was lowering but still at a cis male level and my estrogen levels were good (for someone who’s transitioning). I plan on taking finasteride to help prevent hair loss/prevention but I’m not sure when I should start that.

I am in the process of a lawsuit against my medical practitioners as I believe my health was significantly impacted by taking testosterone. I have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for ten years, but it didn't become debilitating until after I transitioned. I am horrified to think that I slept five years of my life away because of something so stupid and unnecessary as HRT. None of my doctors ever suggested I stop taking it to see how it affected my health. While my energy levels are much better since detransitioning, my digestive system may be permanently ruined, I can only eat meat and dairy now.

So I'd like to hear of other examples of autoimmune conditions in relation to HRT, be they anecdotal or academic research.

Mtftm here. I’ve been on estrogen for 12 years. I feel like its had severe, negative psychiatric effects. Can anyone speak to what i can expect from going back on T when it comes to mental health?

before trying to be ftm i hated my body hair but after awhile i just stopped shaving everything because it took forever and of course only lasted a couple days. while ftm i loved my hair. but now that i’m not that, i hate it again. and t made it worse. i realize others have it worse than me (i didn’t gain too much extra hair on my arms or chest) but it seems like all the areas that were hairy before just got way worse. if i went back to shaving i would honestly clog up my drain. it also takes sooo much time. when i have a good job i might invest in laser hair removal for my legs at the very least because those are the worst offenders.. they looked like a mans legs even pre-t. now they’re as hairy as my dad’s. ugh.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic but I'm wondering if anyone else feels like the time they spend transitioning was as if they were possessed. Like some one else, or even just the idea itself had grown teeth and understanding and bared down, was moving your body around and pushing you to go harder and faster forward. Like a demon inside you forcing you deeper into this addiction. When i finally broke that cycle is when I started finally feeling like myself again. And at first, i had believed all the claims that were like "once you start transitioning" or "once you go on T" or "once you put a binder on for the first time", that "then you'll be able to recognize yourself and feel like yourself". I lapped that shit up and pretended that my warped, fat, acne-riddled face with the beard was my "true" me.

I start thinking of the metaphor of HRT as poison and how true it is. How it makes you bloat like someone with an allergy; makes you sweat like someone with a fever; makes your heart pound irregularly like someone who is sick. And i willingly and gleefully injected it into myself. It feels like those accounts of demonic possession where the possessed self harms cause the demon compels them to.

I don't think i was literally possessed but i do feel like the metaphor has really rooted in me. It feels like addiction and possession. And i only realized how bad it was once i got out and could see how much better things are on the other side of it. I was living in a day dream while this obsession piloted my body, policing everything i did and said. Even the very way I moved.

I watched a docuseries on Heaven's Gate and on LuLaRoe recently and it got me thinking about how cults don't necessarily have to be religious. They can be political. They can be ideological. They don't necessarily need one singular narcissistic leader. Coming out of trans ideology makes me feel like i left a cult. And that narcissistic leader was myself. I made myself the center of everything. I was the martyr. Sacrifice of myself to myself. I changed my outfits to conform to the group. I changed my beliefs to conform. I changed my language to conform. I changed my name so i could no longer be beholden to the past and would instead have to rely solely on the group. I was love bombed. I made my entire identity the group. I was told to leave my family, leave my friends, become wholly dependent on the group. Trans solidarity. Why did you need cis friends anyway? How were they going to be able to understand you? Only other trans people can do that.

I'm so glad i never cut ties with people. I'm so glad that most of the people i interacted with the entire time were cis. It was a life line. I was able to have a foot in both worlds and so it was easier for me to leave.

We are apostates so they hate us more than they hate any person who never believed. Atheists are more tolerable and palatable than apostates. You can always convert an atheist; apostates are much harder.

It just... feels like so much for a person to deal with. So I'm so grateful that we can have a space here to begin to process this. I just wish it was safer to do so.

I was taking hormones for the past three months (spiro and E injections) and came off a week ago because I was tired of feeling like shit all the time. Constantly tired, sluggish, no appetite, nausea, was also having panic attacks again. Anyways I got my blood work done yesterday and my T level was 10.1 ng/dL. The average for men is apparently 260-1,000, and for women 15-75, so mine completely tanked. Still waiting on E level. How long would it take for my T to return to a normal range?

I'm a 14-year-old FTM, and at this point I'm worried to even socially tr ansition just in case I regret it. I already have socially tr ansitioned to some extent. My friends are aware and so are a couple of teachers. But what if I regret it like so many people here? I didn't have feelings of shame being a woman, I wasn't pressured into gender roles, and aside from being self-conscious about my weight societal standards for how woman should appear didn't bother me. So it's not like I became a boy to escape womanhood. I just feel comfortable and happy, but what if it changes? I've seen some people on here that say it felt right until one day it just didn't. How often does that happen? Is that the experience for the majority of detr ansitioners/desisters?

I’m getting sick of going into public and meeting new people. I’ve been told I have a “unique” voice and “unique” face structure. I don’t really look male or female somehow. Nobody I meet knows how to categorize me. I’m getting gendered F more but hearing my voice or seeing my Adam’s apple, even wearing certain clothes changes that.

I’m so tired of meeting people who think I’m a trans woman. I started a new job a month ago and there are already a bunch of rumors I’m a “t slur” because one woman asked me, but said they “don’t know why because she thinks I’m a woman”.

Nobody interacts with me unless they have to. I try to talk to men and get shut down, try to talk to women and same. There’s nowhere I fit in.

I see it on their faces- the disgust and disdain. I can’t get over it.

What do i do? I have told a couple people I’ve gotten close with, that in case they’re wondering I took “roids” for a couple years and they accept that easily. But I can’t really tell every stranger or coworker I’m not close with.. I just wish they all knew. I feel like I’d be less of an outcast if they knew how to categorize me.

Howdy! So, some quick backstory, then the question.

I'm 27. I'm formerly a straight trans man, having id'd as such from a young age. I was pretty sheltered (private catholic school in the southern usa) and even though I expressed myself as a man, and experienced interest in women, I was not aware of lgbtq people til high school, so I wasn't treated affirmatively. When I did express a specifically trans identity (late teens early 20s - before that, I simply expressed that i believed myself to have been "meant" to be a boy, but didn't specifically connect that with being trans), my father had me see a conversion therapist, who I ultimately saw for 8 months. A year after that, I started hormonal transition.

I LOVED the results. Pre-t, I had facial hair and chest hair, but it was patchy on one side of my body, and t made it even out. I loved the masculinized face and body. For the first time, my body felt "neutral" to me and it was no longer something that caused me distress, and my self awareness of it basically faded into background noise, like when you clean off a car windshield.

Fast forward several years, I detransitioned due to a loss of health insurance. I then got a bit paranoid because I'm a relatively independently-minded person and I hate being reliant on something that can be taken away from me. I already have to take a medication for a chronic lung disease, and it's a goal of mine to be on as few medicines as possible, taking only the ones that are ABSOLUTELY necessary.

I don't really focus much on identity but, if asked, I would self-describe as a lesbian. Even so, I don't date because sex makes me deeply dysphoric. However (here comes the question!), I cannot imagine my future as a woman. It's not only that I can't imagine myself inhabiting a female role, but I have never been able to imagine myself as an elderly female. Even when I was little and unaware that transition was an option, I would imagine myself aging into a male. I tried to examine this as some sort of unrecognized misogyny manifesting in a fear of loss of beauty, but I don't think that's quite it, because I'm not really concerned with beauty or attractiveness now. I've tried to see a female body as value neutral, without other connotations or roles attached, which is fine and dandy, but I still can't get over the irrational belief that I will naturally masculinize.

Right now, my plan is to continue as a gender-ambivalent female til menopause. After that, though, I can't see any reason not to take testosterone, since I'd probably need hormone supplementation anyway. Is this reasonable? Is it stupid? Am I delusional? Has anyone who has felt this way gotten past this mindset? I know these aren't questions to ask Reddit, but every therapist I've ever had, save for the conversion therapist, has encouraged me to transition, and I really want an opinion outside the affirmative treatment echo chamber.

To be clear, I'm not fishing for "you should transition", because I know rule 4 of this sub, and I'm not trying to trap people. This isn't a "gotcha" post. I'm specifically wondering if other people have felt this way and if they've found ways to deal with it. I feel totally isolated.

https://bariweiss.substack.com/p/top-trans-doctors-blow-the-whistle?r=p7xgm&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

I was thinking about this since we've been getting a lot of throwaways and trolls, etc, in the sub, and I don't know if this has been tried by mods already but can't we put a threshold on how old your account has to be or something to avoid trolls? Or do too many people that post here genuinely use throwaway accounts?

That was just an idea, no idea if it would actually help lol

After so called full transition - there is no point to try to reverse that because u feel like u r in a trans state no matter what. It's a different flavor of trans which is f up anyway. Even if "my true self" is not trans - this conversation is luxurious for me. My body is way beyond repair/recovery.

(yes, I have a therapist who is neutral and try to help as best as he can but nvm)

I’m hoping to have a revision surgery to my mastectomy. I would prefer to go to a surgeon who does not specifically do trans surgeries. Hoping I can find a surgeon in the United States who has worked with detransitioners in the past.

Did you have revision/reconstructive surgery after detransitioning? What was your experience like? And would you be willing to share the name/location of your surgeon? Open to talking about this via DM/private message. Thank you!