I’m ftm, I’ve always had some underlying thoughts about if I should transition or not, but never like this. I would think “awh, I wish I could still wear dresses and cute clothes, take pictures, wear makeup and a skimpy swimsuit” etc, but they were very rare instances, and in a few hours I’d go back to nah I’m fine like this.
Long story short I got high as balls last night, and started freaking out thinking “why tf would I transition” but I figured it would go away by the next day, and it’s only gotten worse
I went to target today to get some stuff to confirm my suspicions (makeup, lashes, a swimsuit to try on) and I think I liked it. It felt more right than wearing trunks at least.
My problem is I dunno if I should do this. I was pretty happy living as a man before, I wanted to go to college as a guy so so badly, and out of nowhere that changed. Maybe I miss being desired, being cute or pretty, I dunno. But all I can think about switching colleges (I couldn’t face familiar people if I retransitioned) getting a boob job to fix my top surgery, and voice feminization to sound like a woman again.
I really don’t know why this is coming up out of nowhere, and that’s my only hesitation with this whole thing. Maybe I had been repressing it this whole time and it suddenly all came out when I was high. Please, I need some kinda of advice I’m so confused.
You have tp explore these feelings. You compartmentalized them in the past so now it’s bubbling over, in a sense. The feelings and thoughts are too strong to ignore now unlike before. No one can tell you what you aught to do, but it’s obvious that these feelings aren’t going to simply go away and you will have to deal with them head on for better or worse
You can always take it slow. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. One day man, the next woman. Do what makes you comfortable, without the labels.
I found that cannabis definitely aided me in realizing how miserable i was and how the life i was leading as a trans man was not working for me. It helped me embrace my natural female self, so i do feel like it's good at opening you up to yourself and being able to see the truth of things
Substances have been kind of known to make people realize things about themselves that they've been hiding. My awakening the legitimately questioning transitioning was caused by me getting high. I think the appropriate thing to do would be to just wait. It's never too late to change course. I think a lot of people rush into making major life changes without realizing that they have a lot of time to reflect on themselves and who they are.
However, I think asking the question what do I do, isn't the most appropriate. Ultimately, what you do can only be decided by you. I think any advice I tell you in regards to what you do, unless you choose to fully do it yourself, would just be a cop out and bad faith. I think right now, I'd just spend time thinking and reflecting on what makes you happiest and whether or not gender presentation is actually consequential to any of it.
Additionally, I think truly reflecting on emotions is very important more so than the immediate feeling you have. Physiologically, people don't actually have that many different "feelings" for emotions. Like feeling scared and feeling in love physiologically are very similar. Look up the suspension bridge effect and misattributions of arousal for more evidence of this. I think really letting yourself feel emotions and what is the source of said emotion will be most helpful to you. Your feelings could be entirely valid and correct in saying that you missed being a cute and pretty. It could also be you became nostalgic. It could also be you became anxious or sad and recognized that as gender dysphoria. That's something I frequently do. I tend not to be able to differentiate depression episodes and gender dysphoria as they go hand in hand for me.
Overall though, I'm sure you'll be able to find a good answer to what will make you most fulfilled in life. I'm sorry that you're going though it. I also don't mean to sound dismissive of your emotions when I mention misattributions of arousal. I just think is an under talked about issue when It comes to dysphoria. Feel free to PM also if you need to talk to someone.
Follow those feelings—I had them, too, but I repressed them so strongly. The mind does incredible things when it hurts.