I rarely fall in love, I've had a crush on four guys in my whole life. It's like, I'm not saying I don't find random people attractive, but that's all, I don't feel things for people just because they're pretty. I'm not like friends who would get into a relationship with someone they just met because they like each other, or another friend who kisses anyone she likes and can, and feels totally fine doing it.

From the four people I've liked, three of them liked me back and every time I find my crush or someone likes me is like a warning sign to scape and cut the talking with them. I used to think my reaction was because I was too young and just not ready, but now I'm almost 20 and I think there could be something wrong with me.

My whole life, people has told me I'm too innocent, too good, too sweet. I tried to change that, it didn't work. What I'm starting to wonder is, what if I'm like this because of my past trauma? like, if somehow there's a part of me that didn't grow to protect myself.

I have daydreamed of a cute relationship when I like someone, but I have never let that happen.