Recently desisted, not sure where to go Next
ADVICE REQUEST Submitted Oct. 14, 2021, 12:39 p.m. by LisaBorn0327Hello. My name is Lisa and I’m 15. I have been identifying with family and school as William for about over a year, and presenting as a man online since I was 12. I am now realizing I don’t see myself as a boy anymore. I think I’m just a girl with severe sexual trauma. Does anyone have any advice? I’m really scared, I’ve desisted before but I went back to identifying as trans to escape my past and I’m finally ready to face that I’m never going to be a boy, and that I’m a female. Im really scared. What if I never will be able to see myself as a girl. What if others will always see me as a boy? What if I will never be a good enough girl? Im hyper feminine, I’m gay, and have extreme dysphoria/dysmorphia over my body. Im so scared. I don’t know where to go from here. Everyone sees me as Wil, even my mother and my grandmother. I don’t want to be Wil anymore.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, your past will always haunt you, you have to deal with it. Everyone feels uncomfortable in their bodies at your age just be patient and be kind to yourself.
I think you can find some decent counseling to help. I'm truly, truly sorry that you went through that. There are a lot of monsters in the world, most of them human.
I am glad you are finally starting to accept yourself. That is half the battle.
There is no such thing as being good enough at your gender. Performing the societal expected display of your gender isn't important in the slightest. If people keep calling you Wil, correct them. They went from calling you Lisa to Wil, they can go back again.
Now you focus on and follow your non-gender dreams
By the way. You can look and dress however you want. If you feel more comfy in baggy, androgynous clothes, you don't have to let that go just because you're female. You don't have to look any kind of way or do anything just because you're female, always go with your comfort and happiness. Also, please get counseling to help deal with your past. ♥️
Please be gentle with yourself. You have done nothing wrong. It is normal a good to explore and grow and change. You are processing a lot and figuring out who you are and what is comfortable for you. People adjusted to calling you Wil and they can adjust again; I know it may feel like a huge deal, but the reality is that the people who care about you want you to be happy and feel supported. It can be scary to say out loud what you're thinking and feeling, but it is only once you do that you can get the support you need.
You are enough. I promise. Things like "good enough" or "girl enough" aren't real and we hurt ourselves by trying to believe that they are. You get to be exactly who you are.
❤️
You are doing better than you think. You've realised you are OK with being your natal sex, and also that you felt trans as a result of sexual trauma. Some of us take many years to get to that degree of self-knowledge.
If you can, you should get help to deal with the trauma. Calling a helpline for child sexual abuse survivors may be a good first step, but if you can get one-to-one counselling as well, that would be even better. Your doctor may be able to help with this.
I know some people have suffered at the hands of family members, so the following may not apply to you, but if it's safe and you are OK with it, you should talk to your parents and tell them what's going on.
I would expect that the gender related issues will probably subside once you have worked through the trauma. It's completely understandable that you tried to escape abuse by adopting another persona. It sounds like Wil has kept you safe for a while, but Lisa needs to live fully and be happy. Be who you are.
You can do it. You are stronger than you know. Just don't give up. Keep going, and you will get through this.
You have your whole life to live, explore and enjoy. Never give up.
Life is what you want it to be. What do you dream of trying and how can you get there?
At 15 I see getting a highschool diploma is highly important and then some sort of trade school or college in your 20's. I took breaks in college and liked my 2 year degree as a job better than the 4 year I dropped out of.
Life goes on. Take a deep breathe and it'll be okay.
Have you ever heard or read about the meditation concept of Every day Mindfulness? Thich Nhat Hanh writes short excellent books on the topic. Deep breath it's okay.
I have been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress and am now 27. I score a 9/10 on the ACES score sheet. EMDR therapy was vastly helpful. I did it through a local colleges clinic that was very cheap but doctoral students doing the counseling.
@lisaborn0327 You are so brave, Lisa, thank you for sharing your story. You are valid and you are still young which means you still have your whole life ahead of you to embrace yourself as the beautiful, unique, powerful woman you were born to be. Wil was an act and a coping mechanism for a time, but you are growing and learning, and have taken the hardest step already—admitting to yourself you were wrong about Wil. Your mom and grandma love you and if they were able to switch pronouns and adopt “William” in speech, just think how, over time, “Lisa” and “her” will become natural to them again. Hope this gives a little hope. You are a very special girl, Lisa, and my heart is with you as you move forward as a detrans female. You could help a lot of people, down the road, by speaking out about your own experiences. Thank you for being you💜🤍💚