This is sort of a vent piece and a cautionary tale of social transition, Trigger warnings for sexual abuse (nothing explicit) and suicidal thoughts (In passing)

When i was six, I went through a severe trauma of a mother of a friend abusing me. I never told anyone about this until recently. Then when I was twelve I was abused by a woman teacher sexually. Afterwards, my friend who I will name as Adam came out to me as transgender. I didn’t really know what that meant at the time. I had never met a transgender person. So I went home and looked it up, and suddenly, I had the answer to all my problems, since I was repressing what was happening to me with my past sexual trauma, I was transgender.

After sometime I met a friend group of all trans people, including someone who taught me what non binary was. One person in particular, later ended up online sexually abusing me, who let’s call Nem. Nem was transgender, and uses xe/nem. All of this caused me to believe my feelings about my body, my periods, my discomfort with the places they all touched or violated, was dysphoria. It was not. Regardless, from sixth grade on I began ID’ing as a trans boy. I began craving T, wrongfully, and craved binding. About a year later I came out to my GNC mother. At first she was hesitant, and told me it’s a social contagion. I was 13. I didn’t believe her, no, she was wrong! She wasn’t. So I told my therapist, who instantly told me Yes I am trans, my trauma has nothing to do with this. Fast forward and I read about a man named Walt Heyer, a detrans man, and it made me realize Maybe I was not. I joined a detrans server, and I cut off my trans friends. I was shortly after diagnosed with PTSD and OCD by my doctor. But as my mental health dipped, I began wondering wether being trans was truly going to make me happier. So I left the server and perused full transition. I came out to my family formally, to which my mom, who as a kid passed as male and pretended to be male, embraced this time and encouraged, my grandma was hesitant though. I diced my hair off completely, bought all boys clothes, began wearing exclusively sports bras, stopped wearing makeup, and even told my new high school to call me Wil in private and that I plan to transition. I was so absorbed in being trans. I was ready to buy a binder. My closest friends were all trans, even all my irl friends. I began slacking off on my hobbies, began feeling disconnected from my own identity as a person, even to a point I began worrying I had no personality. I was obsessed with passing, and being trans enough. I had taken every warning my detrans friends gave me, and tossed them out a window. And that was a huge mistake. My depression got so much worse. My friends are toxic and encouraging this. My school thinks I’m trans. My OCD got much stronger. My mama was fine with me wearing he/him pins and rainbow masks and I painted my shoes the trans flag. I came out to everyone. My best friend is non binary as well, which didn’t help. I began having suicidal thoughts thinking I was never going to live as a girl. I was a broken girl. I’m a boy, after all. But I’m not. I’m never going to be a boy. Last night I in a breakdown, realized I am in fact trans. I want to desist. I want to stop being a boy. I felt trapped being a boy, and craved to be a girl. A home maker. The only club I participated in was the LGBTQ club and I felt so disconnected I began splitting my personality, compartmentalizing who I am based on what I was doing (not alters, but unhealthy disassociation of self) it was bad. I was trying to get my parents to let me get T.

And I’m saying this all, to A, say, that social transition can very well ruin your life too, though it’s more reversible then medical, I still would not advise it. And definitely not medical. B, im desisting. I am Lisa, I am now 15, free of all my abusers, and tomorrow I’m wearing a dress, and buying a wig. I am a girl. A girl with an identity. My personality.