I was watching a movie last night that had an almost entirely female cast. There was one leading male but he was hardly the true focus. This movie also featured women of a bunch of different ages and looks (though all were thin and most were white). As i was watching, I just kept thinking about how beautiful women are. I'm a lesbian so it's not unheard of for me to have this thought :] But it just really struck me then and there that females, when they're not being pinned like dead butterflies and put on display for the male gaze, are so incredibly beautiful. And, I don't know, something kind of clicked into place for me there. Like, i had the thought that I'm beautiful too because I am also female.

I've been off of T for several months. I've been considering myself detrans and a lesbian for just a hair longer than that. For all this time though, I've avoided any other labels and just sat in the unchangeable knowledge that I'm female. That's that with no need for anything else cause all that gender bullshit is just obsessive distraction. But last night, I just sat there and thought "I am a woman". It was a neutral thought. Nothing negative or even positive accompanied it. It was just a statement. It didn't even click for me for a while and then i was like "oh wait. I AM a woman". And i felt positively about it for the first time in so so so long. I didn't correct myself with "no, you're a man" or even "don't worry about all that. You're female and that's enough". There is nothing you need to do to be a woman. And that's freeing to me. I don't have to have long hair or wear make up or even "pass". I am a woman because I am female, and even though I pumped my head full of poison for ten years and injected my body with poison for 2, none of that changes anything. I was born female and i will die female. It's everything in between those two states that matters. I am alive now.

Yes, I regret the things i did to myself and to my friends and family while i masqueraded as a man. But through that all I was never actually a man. I was just as female then as I am now. I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but thinking about that is beautiful to me. I can just be and that is enough. I've poured so much time and energy into passing, into hating my body, into policing and gaslighting myself for ten years, and now a bitch is tired. I feel like I've shed a thousand pounds and I'm free at last.

I am a woman, wild and free. I'm masculine, i can grow a beard, i wear men's clothes, i fuck women, i still get called "young man" by beautiful old women at the grocery store, but none of that fucking matters is the thing. I'm still female. I'm still a woman.

And that is so fucking wonderful.