Even though I didn’t medically transition, I feel like my body has been betrayed. My short hair. My more masculine walk now. The hair on my legs and armpits, the way I trained myself not to smile on photos, the way I was training my voice to be more lower. The way everyone ar school calls me Wil. Calls me he/they, the fact everyone knows me as Wil even my teachers and librarians. What the tuck have I done. Even my mom knows me as trans and pushing me to be my “authentic self” I hate it I hate that I did this. It’s all my fault. I feel like I’m multiple people at once (not DID) and like I’m being torn apart. I don’t know what to do. How do I learn to see myself as a girl again?
3 comments recovered from the Pushshift database.
Since u havent taken T, it'll be easier and 100% reversible. U can start step by step, letting ur hair grow, relearning how to speak at a higher pitch, perhaps changing ur clothes if u dont like the ones u have now... Once ure ready, u can "come out" again as a girl in the same way u came out when u were trans.
What I can tell you is that it's absolutely possible, but it takes time. After the decision to desist it took me about half a year to get comfortable with stuff like the terms female/woman, she/her pronouns (not that I care about pronouns) and my birth name again. Also to my big surprise I can embrace my femininity now, for the first time in my life. I'm in my twenties and I recently bought my first dress ever. I'm letting my hair grow out and I'm wearing jewelry. This is of course not a necessity, or something that happens to everyone who desists/detransitions, but to me this was such a nice surprise since I was genuinely convinced I'd hate all things feminine for the rest of my life. It's a process, and it's exhausting and awkward at times, but it's doable and absolutely worth it.
First things first, you should be real hard on your mother and beat it into her that you aren't trans, or not being your authentic self.
Blame her for adding to your confusion and having to live with the difficulties you are facing right now. She needs to understand that things aren't okay, and she let you basically wander the cornfield without real guidance. You aren't some token or prop to be flaunted around and shown off for moms social credit score.
Despite all the stress you will be facing in your environments from having socially transitioned, your homestead shouldn't be a place of stress or resentment. You need a place to unwind and relax.
Things aren't as bad as they feel. Your school and everyone in it has a vested interesting in maintaining the status quo, but be forceful in your exertions that you are who you are. Don't let them continue to walk over you, or try to convince you of who you are, as if they know you best.
This is a small chapter in your life, and its already done enough to lead you by the nose hasn't it? Don't be afraid to kick back a little. Assert yourself and your desires, make it plainly obvious.