Struggling with wanting to take testosterone
Submitted June 27, 2020, 1 p.m. by yvonnacoffeeI realize this stems from a deep dissatisfaction and hatred of my body and being female, and that formal transition will not change reality. But how does anyone else deal with this? I don’t think I could live ethically as a man, and claiming to be male, but I truly do not see how I can live as a female in a female body for the remainder of my life.
Does anyone else struggle with this?
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I relate kind of. Have an eating disorder, because my body disgusts me. I’ve mentioned before in comments that I hate my secondary sex characteristics. I don’t like how I’m sexualised, and have considered binding to flatten my chest. Not that I want to be male, I just don’t like my female body. It’s not like this all of the time, and I’m absolutely unwilling to transition, for both the reason(s) you mentioned, and because, although male is the alternative, I do not want to be male. Just comfortable within myself and with my body. I hate people looking at certain parts of me, and/or touching me. Hopefully this can offer you some solidarity
Comfort may come with age. Or it may not. If you are able to get therapy, please do! I waited until my 30’s to get help, and suffered severe anxiety and an eating disorder for song long. I really wish I had gotten help sooner, because now I regret wasting so much of my youth in misery.
I’d really hate for you to make the mistake of waiting, like I did.
I’m currently seeking help, but thank you <3 It does feel very much like I'm wasting my youth, but large part of me is resistant to change. Working on it though. The advice is really appreciated. Glad you're in a better place mentally, it's awful that you had to deal with that for so long
If it's any comfort, no my issues didn't magically go away, but they improved by at least 80% with age. I have my moments but it is nothing like being a teenager.
That's really reassuring. I believe that the majority of youth who identify as trans grow out of it by early adulthood. Something like 70% or 80%, if iirc? Very worrying that teens are transitioning. At least two of my peers have done so, one of which was a butch lesbian prior. GC may have saved me aha
There will always be baggage when it comes to being female.
We are the Lydia's of the non skyrim world, sworn to carry the burdens of literally everyone.
For me, that baggage is something I can help fight against. Men treat you as a piece of meat, I treat them as expendable. I'm at risk of being assaulted, I'm learning to fight. Catcalls on the street, I get snippy.
Don't let the baggage of being female be your main focus. You can be so many other things. An educator, a collector of many shiny things, that one person that people love going to for advice because you've got a fair level of thinking.
My mother always told me to stop worrying about the things you can't control, and start focusing on the things I can.
Happy trails, OP
Ah yes, just do emotional labor for free and you'll be happy sis! /s
Tbh when I see this "emotional labor" concept it feels like it's pathologizing one of my favorite parts of friendship. But if you really don't want people to ask your advice on their problems, just refuse to give any. I have a female friend who no one ever tells their problems to because she just openly does not care. Friendship with her is based on common interests and having fun only. Some people don't like her because she isn't touchy-feely, but she's exactly who she wants to be. Me, I DO value that my friends want to talk their shit through with me. Patriarchy didn't tell me to be this person, I just like problem solving and having emotional intimacy
TBH, I was also on the precipice once and what brought me back was my desire not to have to deal with an additional medical issue for the rest of my life. I am already dealing with chronic sickness from being exposed to large volumes of agricultural antibiotics, adding another health issue to the mix did not seem prudent.
I think just talking to a therapist who will keep you in the right headspace might help
Change your environment.
Do not interact with people who make you feel uncomfortable.
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Have you been to r/detrans ?
Testosterone won't fix your feelings. It will also increase your risk of serious health problems, and could shorten your life. And if you're on it long enough, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll need surgery to remove atrophying reproductive organs.
Have you considered therapy? Even just finding a support group, either official or unofficial?
I think a lot of women struggle with accepting their bodies, especially with what it means in society. You're not alone in that. But if it's severe, it would help to speak to someone about it who can see if there are other, less severe ways to address it.
As you age, you will see the weakness of men. Unfortunately there is really no way to see that until you experience it. Women are the literal core of human culture and civilization.
I was a young woman once, so I know the battle. It takes a while to see how psychologically weak most men are.
I struggled with that for much of my teens, starting around puberty.
In my case, I had no choice but to deal with it. I didn't even have language for it. Some days were better than others.
Imagine that you have no choice. Imagine there is no testosterone. What could you do to convince yourself that your body and the way other people react to it is not who you are? Your body is a neutral vessel. It can shape your experiences, but you can shape your reaction to them.
Your body is not you. Your perceived gender is not a substitute for personality. Personality is developed by creating: relationships, ideas, tangible projects. If all you can create is an image, you will feel empty in any room without a mirror. Forever.
Create something real. Be brave. Hugs to you.
If you were alone on the planet so society wouldn’t matter and there wouldn’t be men around who treated you as less than, would you still hate your female body?
Yes, I would recommend reading about the butch identity, maybe that could help, that definitely helped me.