My fear of bisexual men as a bisexual woman

Submitted June 28, 2020, 3:42 p.m. by TheUnknownShoulder

Hi gender critical! I’m a long time lurker of this sub and i’ve had this issue thats been on my mind for a while and I figured i’d vent here and ask for your guys’ opinions.

I’ve been gender critical for a few years now and upon gaining more insight on the trans community and how the us lgb folks interact with them, i’ve become dubious of some bisexual men. I feel truly awful about this and its quite hypocritical since I’m a bisexual woman myself, but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of dating a bi man because of their (general) open-mindedness towards trans women. I’m just so uncomfortable with the idea of being involved with a man who may be attracted to trans women.

Now, I know that this is kinda ridiculous and I shouldnt have to worry about such a thing, but its become such an issue that i’m paranoid about my current straight boyfriend. Its an irrational fear of course, but I feel disgusted at the thought of being with a man who potentially watches a lot of porn, and not just that, but fetishistic, gross, pornography.

It’s not like i’m insecure or competitive against TIM’s, I just dont like the idea of being involved with a man who is attracted to the caricature of a woman.

I do not want to be prejudice towards bisexual men and I’d like to know if other people here feel the same way? I feel especially hypocritical and ashamed considering my own orientation.

I would like some input from you guys. Am I crazy for thinking this way? Is it internalized homophobia/biphobia or am I just plain ignorant and how can I unlearn this sort of thinking?? :(

18 comments recovered from the Pushshift database.
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fanslo · June 28, 2020, 3:45 p.m.

I’m just so uncomfortable with the idea of being involved with a man who may be attracted to [males].

Is it internalized homophobia/biphobia

It's very possible

rebelleicious · June 28, 2020, 4:04 p.m. · 2 replies

Might be internalized homo-/bi-/transphobia. Or maybe you're afraid that a transwoman can fulfill needs/desires, that you can't? Please get over yourself and stop the hating. My bf is bi and had a long term fwb, who has boobs and a dick. On a sexual level, I can't hold a candle to that and I feel very intimidated. But it's not just about sex in a relationship. It's about love. Where there's love, genitals don't matter. So don't torture yourself and enjoy the love you have. You got this!

Butchie68Lesbians don’t do dick · June 28, 2020, 4:58 p.m. · 1 reply

Genitalia does matter to same sex orientated people. Maybe YOU should get over your self.

rebelleicious · June 28, 2020, 5:10 p.m.

Haha, yes. But OP is bi. As is my bf. Read before judge, butchie 😋

Silver_Violets · June 28, 2020, 6:04 p.m. · 1 reply

I'm bi, genitals matter to me, I wouldn't date trans.

Not sure what's so great about having boobs and a dick that's somehow better than boobs and a vagina or pecs and a penis.

Personally I want to be with someone mentally sound, GC and who has secondary sex characteristics that match their genitals.

rebelleicious · June 28, 2020, 6:11 p.m. · 1 reply

Yeah. But people have different preferences/levels of openness. What is so bad about acknowledging that?

And why wouldn't you date a trans person?

Butchie68Lesbians don’t do dick · June 28, 2020, 6:55 p.m. · 1 reply

Probably because she wants to date sane people. Go put your trans bullshit somewhere else.

rebelleicious · June 28, 2020, 7:11 p.m.

It's not my trans bs. I am not trans. Also, I'm straight as an arrow. I just acknowlede that other people may have different feelings/realities, than me. Why are you so hostile?

MyNeferTitty · June 28, 2020, 4:04 p.m.

You don't owe XYZ group of males anything.

sensicalsense · June 28, 2020, 4:37 p.m.

You don't have to date bi men but I think maybe you're misdirecting your discomfort. I think it's reasonable to not want to be with a man who fetishizes feminity and womanhood or who watches porn, particularly degrading or violent porn but any man is equally likely to do that. If it's something you're not comfortable with then I think it's something to discuss with your boyfriend/any future male partners to make sure they're on the same page with respect to the trans movement and the misogyny of pornography

TheUnknownShoulder · June 28, 2020, 5:16 p.m.

I realized fear was NOT the word I intended to use for the title and I apologize! I know that comes off a bit odd, what I mean is my cautionary approach towards bi men.

casuallycruelhonesty · June 28, 2020, 6:49 p.m.

I’m bi, too. I don’t date men who have sex with men. Medically speaking, men who have sex with men are a higher risk group for STDs. In the interest of my health, it’s not something I’m willing to risk. I also don’t date trans people due to their mental health issues (as compared to the rest of the population). It’s not something I want to sign up for out of the gate, because it makes a relationship 1000% harder. I’m fine with whatever gender expression (ie someone like Harry Styles currently or butch lesbians or non binary expressions), but once you start to modify your body or take hormones to try to change your sex, I’m not interested. It doesn’t match my beliefs similar to how I wouldn’t date a conservative who believes women should serve men.

Maybe I’ve been lucky, but I’ve not really had the issue come up in relationships I’ve wanted to pursue.

(comment deleted or removed) · 1 reply
slicksensuousgal · June 29, 2020, 1:40 a.m.

now the assumptions of cheating too by bi men. most bi men with women are monogamous, and they aren't much more likely to cheat than straight men. (hell, a lot of "straight" men cheat on women with men.) men are more likely to cheat than women, but that's due to being male socialized AND a lot of women cheat too, but women are less likely to admit it eg when women respond online or otherwise privately (eg written), more women admit to cheating than in face to face, phone, etc interviews. women under 30 actually cheat at about the same rates as men the same age, and there isn't a large gap in cheating until people are in their 50s, indicating the sex difference in cheating rates is more based in generational gender roles, strict upbringing for women getting sexual shame drummed into them, the double standard of men have sexual needs that deserve satiating and women have none, than based in biological sex or current mores. there is also more shame in older women admitting to cheating than older men or younger people, so they are probably the least likely to disclose cheating in studies. women who work outside the home are also far more likely to cheat than women who don't, and often choose coworkers. older women are more isolated than younger women too, largely due to that.

StupidHappyPancakes · June 28, 2020, 9:39 p.m.

I wouldn't date a bisexual man again, but it's largely due to my past with them. I have never known a man who called himself bi who didn't turn out to be just gay, including my abusive ex-husband who loved nothing more than to stoke my fears of what he might be doing behind my back. One time I went to donate blood and they asked if I had sex with men who had sex with men, and I burst into tears because I had no idea how bad it might be.

I'm a bisexual woman myself, so I do understand that my stance could be seen as biphobic, but my own life experience thus far has only shown me that men and women are bisexual in VERY different ways. Plus men tend to be the ones who want to cheat, so even if they were absolutely 50/50 bisexual, it would still mean that finding someone to cheat with would be a million times easier on Grindr as opposed to being limited to just women who didn't mind a quick hookup.

lululemontree22 · June 28, 2020, 10:07 p.m.

Well, not every bi man is attracted to TIMs, just like plenty of bi women aren’t either. And men watch porn in general, this is in no way specific to bisexual men.

Eurowoman24 · June 29, 2020, 4:06 a.m.

Hi you're not crazy. I'm a straight woman and couldn't date a trans man even post-op. Not transphobic, I just think my aversion comes from me liking the physical and identity of men. A trans person I find is confusing in a way due to them being in the middle.