/r/CompHet is back up and running!

Submitted July 7, 2020, 10:35 a.m. by hancocklovedthat

About a month or two ago, I had asked in a post as to whether or not the subreddit /r/comphet was dead... after a lot of consideration and support, and finally getting my request instated, I have become the new moderator!

I don't know if this type of post is necessarily allowed, but a lot of my support came from y'all out this way, so I thought I would go ahead and share the good news!

45 comments recovered from the Pushshift database.
climblikeabeeNatural Woman · July 7, 2020, 12:33 p.m.

This is great news. Thanks for taking initiative and stepping up to mod💜

turgidmedulla · July 7, 2020, 3:43 p.m. · 3 replies

Not this political lesbian bullshit again.

weightsANDplants · July 7, 2020, 4:37 p.m. · 1 reply

I don’t think it’s political lesbianism necessarily, I think it’s just phrasing some people use to come to terms with internalised homophobia? I know computer as a phrase or principle historically was linked with political lesbianism but it doesn’t seem to be used that way here.

turgidmedulla · July 7, 2020, 5:05 p.m. · 2 replies

If you need to unlearn your attraction to men you are not a lesbian. And fucking men out of boredom is not a thing.

catsuneko · July 7, 2020, 7:20 p.m.

Damn I can kinda see why your other comment got downvoted, but now you're getting downvoted for just stating that lesbians aren't attracted to men...wtf? That's fucking bizarre. I guess you really upset the "lesbians" who fuck men out of boredom lol.

weightsANDplants · July 8, 2020, 2:03 a.m.

I get your point... I don’t know, I found some of the comphet stuff helpful in understanding why I wasn’t attracted to men?! I’ve never slept with men, never been attracted to them, but was still at one point trying to convince myself that I must have just not met the “right man” yet rather than accept myself as a lesbian.

And if it can help other lesbians as deep in internalised homophobia as I was, then I think it has a place?

lemmy_lime · July 7, 2020, 5:24 p.m.

you realize we live in a heteronormative society. that is where comphet stems from. in a hetnorm society girls are supposed to like men, so many lesbians experience a false attraction to men due to this. men are seen as necessary in a relationship.

catsuneko · July 7, 2020, 7:17 p.m. · 3 replies

I don't know why you're being downvoted, you're right lol. Comphet is literally a polilez term and a lot of "comphet" shit comes from women who clearly aren't lesbians and are attracted to men, like the comphet masterdoc, or when they talk about "unlearning attraction to men", fucking men when they're "lonely", or fucking men as "self harm". Those are all very obviously bullshit and are not lesbian experiences. Maybe there's some women who use it in good faith and are real lesbians but they use it bc "comphet" keeps getting pushed, instead of better terms like heterosexism or heteronormativity. It's not about shunning women who didn't always know they were lesbians, I didn't even realize it until I was 18 myself, but there are straight up pretendbians using "comphet" as a justification to call themselves lesbians when they are clearly attracted to men and I'm sick of it. And the comphet defenders downvoting you probably wouldn't feel the same if they read the homophobic essay from Adrienne Rich that explains what compulsory heterosexuality really means, because it doesn't mean what they think it means at all.

Hayt_Braynbutch ain't dead · July 7, 2020, 7:58 p.m. · 2 replies

Wait, hold on a sec. Who said lesbians can have sex with men because they're lonely? Is there a source for that? That's insane. I'm all for asking questions and considering possibilities, but when things begin to lose meaning that's where I draw the line. I can't stand kink, but I would much rather do it with a woman and traumatize myself than ever have even the softest loving sex with men.

catsuneko · July 7, 2020, 8:16 p.m. · 1 reply

I've seen a lot of self-proclaimed "lesbians" say that, even on here!

OoFreeSouloO · July 8, 2020, 4:10 a.m.

Lmaaao clearly not lesbians 🤣🙄

LemortjoyeuxThat cat lady · July 8, 2020, 2:21 p.m.

I've heard it so many times irl. I think in those cases theyre febfems but I don't have the energy to call them out.

stonemermaid · July 7, 2020, 8:05 p.m. · 1 reply

Idk, I firmly believe I had sex with men out of self harm. I hated it and it made me feel bad and gross. But I kept doing it because I felt like that was what I deserved. I was also a social outcast and considered a freak for most of my life, so when I became attractive, I got convinced that men being interested in me was my ticket to being cool. And my peers/the culture at large definitely reinforced that for me like crazy.

To be fair, I'm a very fucked up person comprised of about 90% mental illness and trauma and maybe 10% actual human being. I was sexually abused as a kid and self harmed in various ways as a kid and teen. For a weird example of the shit I used to do.... I got very bad food poisoning from crab when I was maybe 6 or 7. From then on, thinking about crab would trigger powerful nausea and disgust- I would lay in bed for hours sometimes and just force myself to think about eating crab and be miserable. I have a very intense needle phobia and would also do the same thing with needles.

All this to say that I don't think comphet is 100% bullshit. There are certainly a million bi and even het girls who have deluded themselves into thinking they are lesbians. But.... realizing I never had to date or have sex with a man again was revelatory to me. I felt, and still feel, a sense of absolute freedom and relief in the fact that I can spend my life, romantically and sexually, with women and women only. I truly wish with all my heart that younger me knew that was an option. I put myself through so much stress, disgust, and overall grief trying to force myself to be with men.

catsuneko · July 7, 2020, 9:12 p.m. · 2 replies

Idk, I firmly believe I had sex with men out of self harm.

All I have to say about this is how convenient it is that apparently it's a thing for lesbians to fuck men as "self harm", yet I've never heard of straight men fucking men as self harm, straight women fucking women as self harm, or even gay men fucking women as self harm. But lesbians? It's totally normal for us to ride d1ck! I'm sure straight men will be very happy to hear that we can sleep with them.

(comment deleted or removed) · 1 reply 
catsuneko · July 7, 2020, 9:24 p.m.

No I don't think gold stars are the only real lesbians, but nice try. Most non-goldstars are not the type who claim to have slept with men as "self harm". I also love how you can't respond directly to what I said and you're just out here saying "ew" and adding nothing to the conversation. Clearly you don't understand what I'm saying, like at all. Why is it a thing for lesbians to sleep with men as 'self harm' yet you never hear about any other demographics doing that?

Continue reading
yoyodontgo · July 8, 2020, 11:05 a.m.

I've never done that, but I'd like to try answering anyway.

Maybe you don't hear about straight men doing that because no one is pressuring straight men to be gay????? No one is pressuring straight women to be lesbians (bisexual, yes, so many trash men want their gfs to be bi). And not that many people pressure gay men to be into women as there are who pressure women to be into men. So maybe that's why you hear it less often?

spirette · July 8, 2020, 4:43 p.m. · 1 reply

I know, right?

And like, of course there is pressure on women to sleep with men. Of course young women feel they have to be into boys and care about boys, etc.

But this isn’t South Sudan or Yemen where 11-year-old girls are married off to adult males.

Nobody is literally putting a gun to women’s head and forcing them to sleep with some dude so I don’t get how all these « comphet lesbians » can’t just say they’re not ready to date/are focusing on their studies.

Or you know, just lie.

Lie and say they dated some dude during the summer. If the pressure is so high or whatever.

I know two women who claim to be lesbians and they have both fucked almost 30 men!

That’s more than most straight women.

And yet these two women insist they’re totes lesbians.

It blows my mind. Just say you’re bi FFS.

It’s not like I was out at 12 or anything.

Not at all. But somehow I managed not to sleep with a man. It wasn’t hard.

The idea was too much of a turn-off.

yoyodontgo · July 9, 2020, 9:12 a.m. · 1 reply

Not everyone is the same or has the same upbringing.

I've never slept with men as self-harm (honestly wtf?), but I've been with 2 men. I had a religious upbringing and tried dating those men when I was 18/19 (one relationship lasted less than a year, the other was 3ish months because I just couldn't do it anymore).

But somehow I managed not to sleep with a man. It wasn’t hard.

Depends on the person. For me, I tried it because I desperately wanted to be bisexual because of how religious I and my family was. I essentially attempted conversion therapy on myself, like obviously I couldn't stop the attraction towards women, but maybe I can "learn" to like men. Didn't work obviously.

I first noticed I liked women when I was like 6. But again, religious. So I used to cry and feel guilty about it as a child/young teen (I'm 26 now for reference). I tried for years to not like women, and when I realized that clearly wouldn't happen, I figured I could just be bi and stick to men, but acknowledge that I like women "too".

Family acceptance is a huge one depending on your culture. My dad passed away before I came out. My mom has literally never cared, but I actually asked her a year or so ago if she thinks my dad would've accepted me. She said she doesn't know but that it wouldn't have affected how she feels. Obviously I'll never know, but me and my dad were extremely close and even I can't guess how he might've reacted. Had he not passed away, I might've continued trying to be with men just so I could continue having the same close relationship with my dad.

Not to mention the black community in which I'm a part of is pretty homophobic and has only started getting better within the past few years. We're still not there yet. That influences choices.

Nobody is literally putting a gun to women’s head and forcing them to sleep with some dude so I don’t get how all these « comphet lesbians » can’t just say they’re not ready to date/are focusing on their studies.

Because if you're actually trying to convince yourself you're not a lesbian or force yourself to be straight, you might try at least dating a man (not sex, but a relationship). Also keep in mind that some people are from countries that don't even believe homosexual people exist. Or they're from the US like I am, but from some close-minded backwards ass rural town in the south (thankfully I'm not lol).

In those cases, that lesbian might simply think something's wrong with her. Because "same sex attraction doesn't exist" or "it's the devil testing you, don't give in to Satan."

I know two women who claim to be lesbians and they have both fucked almost 30 men!

Yeah... they're bi lol.

Anyway, even though I can't relate to half of those made up scenarios, I don't understand why people find it so hard to understand that people have different thought processes, cultures, upbringings, and beliefs?????? It's not that black and white.

Continue reading
OoFreeSouloO · July 8, 2020, 4:10 a.m. · 1 reply

I also find the "fucking men as self harm" sooooo odd... There are SO many ways to self harm lmao yet... Sex with men? Really? lmaaaaao

hufflepuff-poet · July 9, 2020, 9:18 a.m. · 1 reply

I can speak on this, I did this for awhile. For me, I struggled w my sexuality for most of my young adult life; briefly came out at 15 and went back in the closet until my early 20s and comphet was one of the things that helped me come to terms w being a lesbian.

I've always known I was ssa, but I felt alot of shame around it. I was constantly worried that my female peers thought I was "creepy/weird/pervy" for being attracted to them (despite being closeted lol) AND it didn't help that all my female friends talked about how attractive women were and how awful guys were so I thought it was normal to think other women were attractive (yet somehow still thought my attraction was wrong..) and that being w guys was supposed to be draining and make you feel gross, cus so many of my straight female friends said the same things.

I definitely used sex with men as a form of self-harm and punishment for my ssa feelings. When I would get attracted to other women I felt so dirty, like I was some gross perv for thinking about women like that and, I would just go get drunk and let a guy do whatever to me. Honestly, I hated myself and felt like I deserved to feel like shit because of my attraction and that maybe if I kept trying I would start to feel something for guys or atleast stop being so broken.

OoFreeSouloO · July 9, 2020, 9:26 a.m.

I still find it odd because I personally experienced everything you did (I came out at 14) - feeling like you're creepy, super ashamed of same sex attraction, thinking I was a monster, thinking I was "less of a woman" because of that, and I used to repress EVERYTHING I felt towards women. I did lose friends because of it and my mom didn't took it well.

But I was like, touching a men? Heeeeeeeeeell no. 😅

Regardless, I'm glad you're happy with yourself now.

Hayt_Braynbutch ain't dead · July 7, 2020, 5:23 p.m. · 6 replies

Genuine question; I'm not trying to be an ass. I just never experienced this and want to know how those who have did.

How do you not know you are a lesbian? Notice I'm making a clear distinction here. I realize a lot of latebloomers knew they were exclusively same sex attracted, but attempted to deny or repress these feelings. So I'm not needing a response for that. I want to know how some women can allegedly go a significant portion of their adult lives not feeling ssa, and realize at some point "hey women are hot." They were never attracted to men either. Does the current comphet theorem attempt to explain how ssa can be so suppressed that it isn't noticeable? Or maybe you can mistaken ssa as something else?

hancocklovedthat · July 7, 2020, 6 p.m. · 1 reply

I get it! Ain't no harm in asking questions, but just note I might ramble here so forgive me if this is a disaster of a response. For me personally, and I can't speak on the behalf of everyone else, compulsory heterosexuality has been less of not feeling ssa and more so trying to pinpoint my ssa as something else.

My city and surrounding areas aren't really same-sex positive, nor are the people in my family. My first experiences with someone who was LGBT+ was with a gay cousin who was still ridiculed and mocked by our family even though members were following that whole 'it's not right but only God can judge' or whatever it is people say. I, however, had always considered myself a hardcore ally. It always felt personal to me, and that might have been because I had never really had a lot of faith in God to begin with which is something totally different within itself and that was always the argument I heard as to why it was wrong. Looking back, it was just a lot of suppression and excuses because I thought it'd be easier not to deal with it.

The type of guy I thought I was attracted to always fit the same bill: older, rugged, stereotypically masculine. Looking at it now I realize that this stems from issues with my father, not genuine attraction, because when I would act on my attraction I lost interest quickly. I'd feel trapped or like being romantically involved was a chore. I also thought this stemmed from some type of attachment issues. So I would also find other reasoning as to why I'm straight opposed to considering that I wasn't straight at all, because to me, that was a problem within itself.

During high school when I was exploring THAT mess, I had considered the idea that I was bisexual because I knew I was ssa, had even pinpointed that I had a crush on a childhood friend which I initially thought was jealousy (still do), but I initially blamed my ssa on the sexual objectification of women. I had looked at all the 'research' and forums and tweets and crap that said straight women watch lesbian porn and can still be straight. Because I was feeling automatically disinterested when the feelings were mutual with men and hadn't properly envisioned myself with a woman, I also felt as if I could be asexual, but realistically, I just didn't fit the bill.

I was seventeen (I'm 20 now) when I entered college and that was my first experience with people outside of the Internet who were LGBT+, besides friends who had eventually came out too. Now that I am personally involved with LGBT+ positive environments, it's becoming easier for me to explore and uncover my own sexuality and picture a life I want to, which involves being with a woman.

I've always been ssa. I had even kissed girls not realizing what this could imply, but never considered the idea of being a lesbian. I just thought it was some weird comforted by femininity thing. When girls ask me on dates now, I don't shut down. I get excited and prepare days in advance. When girls kiss me I want to kiss them back.

Identifying as a lesbian is the most freeing and comforting feeling in the world, and the only fear that accompanies it is not apprehension because I'm uncertain of who I am (as I was uncertain about calling myself bisexual and asexual), but the reaction of OTHER people because of where I live. I couldn't envision myself in a relationship with a woman not because I wasn't attracted to them, but because of my environment.

Now that you have a poorly put together snippet of my life story, does it make any sense?

Hayt_Braynbutch ain't dead · July 7, 2020, 6:15 p.m. · 1 reply

Rambling is great! I do it.

Thanks for the response. This is more or less what I was concluding. It's funny you mention the asexual bit, because I thought I was for a while too but for a different reason. I knew I wanted sex and had a high libido. It's just I'm not okay with what it seems like 90% lesbians consider erotic. So you and I may be more alike than not even though I always accepted my ssa.

Edit: removed unneeded words.

hancocklovedthat · July 7, 2020, 6:31 p.m.

As campy as But I'm a Cheerleader is, I will say, I really do think it's a good representation of compulsory heterosexuality. Megan eventually hollering "I'm a homosexual" was a big mood for me, lmao.

lanternintheattic · July 7, 2020, 6:50 p.m. · 1 reply

ha! your question wasn't to me, but I'm going to throw this out there-- I thought/realized I was gay in highschool. but I look around me at various people in the world and it seems to me that A LOT of women, of adult age, do not know what their sexual orientation is. something that means they think they're gay and then they marry a guy, or whatever. it can take a lot of forms.

I have observed this in so many women, Im forced to conclude that this is a thing created by society--by the time women are adults they've already had so much sexualized crap thrown at them, it obscures their own desires. lol sometimes for several decades.

Hayt_Braynbutch ain't dead · July 7, 2020, 7 p.m.

Very interesting, mind if I pm you?

clova44 · July 7, 2020, 8:50 p.m.

I have definitely experienced comp het. I didn't know I was gay until 19-20years old. Growing up, I suppressed my entire sexuality as a whole. That was for both men and women, of course not realizing I was probably suppressing feelings for women also. I grew up in a town where teen pregnancy is SUPER common so my only mission was just not think about romantic feelings if I can avoid it. Sure I had crushes and they were on guys but they were so superficial and short lived. So I view my sexuality suppression as a defense mechanism for teen pregnancy. In a way, it protected me but it came at a cost. That being sexually confused in my early adulthood.

So when I graduated high school and moved to a big city, I started to think about my sexuality more seriously. I had tried to date guys but it just never clicked for me, the chemistry was absent. I realize now looking back, I had assumed my sexuality to be straight because that was the default. And that heteronormative idea was reenforced by media, movies, friends and family all assuming I was straight and so did I. I just blindly called myself straight without actually thinking it through or about how I felt. That's where women came into the picture. And over time I called myself bisexual and as time went on, I just got gayer and gayer lol. And now I'm a lesbian.

If I had to pick one moment that should've been a clue, I'd say when I was in middle school and I told mom I never wanted to get married. I know now that I said that because I assumed that getting married meant I had to be with a man forever haha.

Also, I had 20+ posters of Miley Cyrus on my bedroom wall during the Hannah Montana era aaaand...idk about you but that's excessive...and pretty gay 😂

whocaresaboutthro · July 7, 2020, 9:16 p.m.

Usually I’m a lurker haha and I’m not sure if this is 100% the same as what you’re asking about but I experienced same sex attraction as a pre-teen which for most of my life I thought it was just a really intense friendship and basically repressed my sexuality/thought I was asexual possibly until I was 28.

For me the belief that women’s sexuality is fluid and women are all a little bisexual (which I think is a part of comp het) was very confusing. I thought all girls had intense feelings about other girls and their bodies and had sex dreams about them etc because all women are sexually fluid and think other women are beautiful and these feelings are just “an experiment” but eventually you would settle down with a man. So I never even registered these feelings as my own sexual attraction, I thought they were just thoughts all girls have because girls are pretty and sexually objectified in the media. I could never be with a man and I would have to be black out drunk to even try and only enjoyed spending time with gay guys. I thought this meant that something was wrong with me like anxiety or being a repulsive person, not that I was gay or not attracted to men. A lot of my straight female friends never described actual sexual attraction to men just valuing that a relationship with one would give them social status and financial security so I didn’t realize I didn’t experience sexual attraction to men. I felt a straight relationship was a requirement you put up with for society/ your family and that most women found men boring/repulsive.

I was also raised catholic, have never had any out lesbian friends until recently and bullied/called a dyke as a tween due to my relationship with the girl I talked about earlier so I don’t think these things helped me be in touch with myself. I went to college in a rural area and was hit on by other lesbians at parties but I was with my straight friends which gave me anxiety and I never thought about why. It took until age 28 when my friend asked me if I’ll ever get married and the first thought I had was “only to a woman” and then intense reflection after that to realize I’m gay and actually realize I’ve been experiencing sexual attraction to women this whole time and what sexual attraction even is. I literally have a tattoo of women kissing I got before realizing I’m gay. At the time I just thought in my head I got because “it’s pretty???” Idk

mi_stmili_ta · July 8, 2020, 6:44 a.m. · 1 reply

I can only speak for my experience, but it wasn't so much not being aware of my ssa, I knew I liked girls very early on. It was more "compbi" for me, it took many years and getting sober to come to terms with the fact I was exclusively same sex attracted. Growing up, I only knew one lesbian, a friend of my mother. I didn't find anyone my age who was exclusively ssa until- scratch that, I still haven't met any women my age (early 30s) IRL who isn't bi or straight. I'm very happy to have found an online lesbian community, I feel "normal" for the first time ever.

Hayt_Braynbutch ain't dead · July 8, 2020, 12:10 p.m. · 1 reply

Oh damn, I feel you. I'm 28 and live in a small conservative town. It's very isolating.

mi_stmili_ta · July 8, 2020, 3:23 p.m.

It's not much better in liberal small towns. I feel you too!

yoyodontgo · July 8, 2020, 10:55 a.m.

How do you not know you are a lesbian?

I tried to convince myself I was bi but I always knew men didn't do shit for me. I don't understand lesbians who didn't at least think they were bi... like you never realized you were attracted to women? But I suppose it depends on upbringing and culture.

I'd imagine that a lesbian who is surrounded by women who act very affectionate towards their female friends might just think that all women feel the way she does as a lesbian, but that its "not attraction," just some sort of womanly bonding or some shit. It probably doesnt help that a lot of older women (and even young women) talk about how they love their best friends more than their husbands and whatnot. I can see someone being confused, especially if they were taught that same sex attraction doesn't exist; they'd likely name their feelings something else.

RuthlessKittyKat · July 7, 2020, 8:55 p.m. · 3 replies

I'm throwing your trans-phobic ass in the trash where you belong. Love how you locked the thread as soon as you got called out. You may not think you're trans-phobic, but you clearly are if you are banning everyone who isn't cis. Shame on you. Go back to Tumblr.

stonemermaid · July 7, 2020, 9:20 p.m.

What are you on about? You actually sound insane 😬

xaambi · July 7, 2020, 9:55 p.m.

I’m completely baffled that so many people disagree with you, and everyone else that challenged that thread. Their rules are so blatantly transphobic

iWelcomeTheDownVote · July 7, 2020, 11:22 p.m.

Some Karen shit right here.

moogisxx · July 8, 2020, 12:03 a.m. · 3 replies

I poked around that sub and some of it is pretty weird 😬 all I have to say

OoFreeSouloO · July 8, 2020, 4:08 a.m.

I agree. I mean I just read a bit of the first post, and a "lesbian" saying she has man crushes once in a while, "BUuuuuuT they disappear quickly!!!!" lmaoooo. Political lesbianism on

yoyodontgo · July 8, 2020, 11:19 a.m.

Yep. I understand heteronormativity and its effects (I was raised religious and it was shoved down my throat that being homosexual was the worst thing ever. Funny how churches go on and on about gay people, but murderers? Thieves? Nah, they don't care about that). Anyway....

Some stuff... it just sounds like bi women who can't accept that they actually do like both sexes??????

rosepetqlfemme · July 9, 2020, 4:48 a.m.

i guess some people who think they’re lesbians affected by comp het turn out to actually be bisexuals with a strong preference for women, but i know when i was struggling with my sexuality i probably said a lot of things that probably made me sound bi/straight e.g. seeking out approval from men, having trouble distinguishing platonic vs romantic feelings. I just hope people in that sub manage to figure themselves out & live their truth.