Tired of having to hide myself
Submitted July 8, 2020, 11:20 a.m. by LettucebeanI just feel so alone, and fucking tired of living with my homophobic dad. I hate being thirty and not being able to support myself. I'm a failure.
I have not one single person in my life that I can confide in, and I just want to cry.
I want to get the hell out of here, make friends I can be myself with, and date. I just can't make it happen right now, and the anxiety from being trapped is weighing me down.
12 comments recovered from the Pushshift database.
Be kind to yourself stranger. You are not a failure, you are just struggling at the moment.
Many of us can relate to being alone, dealing with homophobic family, and overcoming anxieties. At least this sub exists and perhaps you can build an online circle of friends to get you through these rough times on here.
:)
This☝🏽💯
I'd love to build a circle of friends, but I've always had trouble putting myself out there. I have made an account on a website for making friends, but miss me with that profile building shit.
Edit: Maybe that last sentence sounds lazy, but I have writer's block when it comes to stuff like that. I'll try to make a profile, and I end up sitting there for hours, and the screen remains blank. It's so unnatural to meet people like that, imo.
I felt that way for a long time. I think the hardest part is just putting down into words what you truly love to do because it's almost like self-admission to what you're into. It's definitely risky and can make you feel vulnerable, but you WILL find your people. I promise they are out there. I have only a few friends but they are into the same weird and quirky things I'm into. Share your weird and quirky because your people are out there! And they are here too!
You're not a failure. There are a lot of people in similar situations because the economy is just hot garbage now. I'm sorry your situation is rough, but you shouldn't blame yourself. Maybe you could have done things differently, sure, but it's impossible to predict the future.
I went through some horrible years of my life when things looked real bleak and but it can get better.
Sometimes the big goal is overwhelming and seems impossible but if you can, try to break your path into tiny milestones. Even if it's something silly like "save $5 this week." Little victories add up and can lift the mood.
I don't know what else to say besides that I'm in the same situation. You're not alone.
Lettucebean, I went through the exact same thing as you for years, and continue to struggle in some ways. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. You deserve to be free and make friends and date to your heart's content. It's really unfair that some lesbians have to endure all this, especially on their own.
If you're unable to support yourself, do you think you'd be able to apply for disability? Or get a part-time job and apply for low-income housing? What has your experience been with therapy and medication?
Also, self-care. I don't just mean taking care of your basic needs, but also pampering yourself, if you can. Dressing yourself in various styles. Trying out different hairdos. Playing with makeup, if that's an interest.
Focusing on hobbies is also helpful. Really hyperfocusing on activities so that you can forget what's going on around you. It's a temporary fix, I know. Nothing's as satisfying as building relationships with others, but until then, we have to keep ourselves distracted/busy, and hopefully happy, with whatever we have for now.
I have a job and am getting a solid 40 hours a week. I even had a great evaluation (and got a 25¢ raise, whoopty doo.) I just don't make a living wage. I tried getting into some hobbies, but they just aren't any fun without friends who share interest.
It is really hard to be in your situation. I wish I had some good advice for you. But this is all I got:
This is super mom-friend of me, but anytime you think “I AM a failure” try really hard to replace it with “I feel like a failure.” Because that’s the real truth. You feel like a failure. You’re not a failure, you’re a human who is suffering. And you’re confiding in us.
This time is balls for everyone, even single 40 year olds who live alone with cats. 2020 is ridiculous.
same. you're not a failure, we all have different paths, times are tough right now & we'll make it thru this. <3
Hey, I am going through the same thing right now, so I know exactly how you feel.
For me, I've made an escape plan with long term goals on how I want to live my life, that I take one day at time. With my anxiety, things that would take the average person a day or two to accomplish can take me weeks or sometimes even months. That's OK because everyone moves at their own pace. I don't have an exact end date for myself because I know that everyday that passes that I have not made progress would make my anxiety worse.
I would also suggest to find yourself a hobby that you can do on your own right now. I recently went vegan, so I have been learning new recipes and veganizing my old favorite recipes. It would be go to have something to escape to, so you're not constantly thinking about how bleak life is at the moment.
So have a good cry (I've cried more times in 2020 than the past five years combined), start planning your future and take it one day at a time. This is only temporary.
Also, PM me if you want (or anyone else who can relate). We're around the same age and I wouldn't mind listening to more about how you feel and what you're going through. Our situations are more common than we think.
Much love to you, you're not a failure. Hope you're feeling better. :)