I’m asking this because when marriage is spoken about in many circles, usually straight women, they all described it in very superficial terms.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not diminishing straight women or people but when marriage is brought up, my experience has been that straight women say the following:
1) Marriage is a religious union of between people
2) it’s a celebration of two people who love each other
3) a commitment to your partner
Now while this might all be true. I find it hollow. Gay people were denied the right to gay marriage. We had commitment ceremonies but it had no legal validity. No protection or recognition of the couple under the law. The celebration of love and commitment was the same and just as strong. But our unions weren’t accepted until 2015.
For me, marriage is about love and commitment. But it’s also about a legal recognition of your partnership. A contract that legalizes your union under the law and provides many benefits and protection to you and your wife. In this life and in death.
Do I have a very utilitarian view on marriage? What does being married mean to you? And why did you get married?
Marriage to me will be making pancakes in the morning for my wife and negotiating on sharing laundry duty if we share clothes. 😎 I haven't really thought that far ahead, otherwise
Love your answer!
Thank you! I love your answer, as well! ❤
Honestly, I’ve always thought of it as a legal contract. You don’t need the paperwork for love and commitment but you damn sure need it for certain rights in regard to one another.
Would you say those that argue that marriage is a declaration of love to be naive?
Perhaps. Like, I can see a sense of romanticism in signing a contract that can potentially grant this person certain legal rights to not only your possessions but potentially even your life and estate in a terrible turn of events. Not to mention any granting of benefits reserved for spouses in insurance or otherwise. It’s a show of trust.
But the idea of marriage even being for love is so very new in history that it’s certainly naive to argue that to be what it is. Like, if they view their own union like that then I’m not overly fussed but you can’t cover the whole tradition with a frilly “declaration of love” cloak. Especially with how it continues to exploit women and girls in various places all over the globe.
Marriage to me is the ultimate commitment between two people who love and respect each other unconditionally and want to stay together for life.
I think you have a pretty practical view on marriage, and that’s not a bad thing, but to be honest I’ve seen plenty of straight people get married for the same practical reasons so I wouldn’t really say that’s lesbian specific.
Personally I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations and ideas of what marriage is supposed to be and don’t understand that the vows you make “for better or for worse” are really real and how it takes a lot of work and then when they’re living it some people can’t handle the reality of what it really means to be married and merged fully with another person.
So I personally don’t think it should be taken lightly and I also believe it’s one of the most important two people will make together other than having children.
I have never viewed marriage as something that is within my reach, so I don't think much about what it means. For the first 40+ years of my life, same-sex marriage was not legal, plus I did not know any same-sex couples who had gotten married elsewhere. I know plenty of them now, but back when I really needed to see those kinds of role models, they weren't there. When I was young, I thought the best I could hope for was to find a "roommate" and maybe it might be safe to tell some people the truth about us.
Now that same-sex marriage is legal, I see it as something that happens to other people, not something that is likely to ever happen to me. I'm too old and set in my ways.
Before I met my soon to be wife, marriage meant nothing to me. I thought people wants it because the wedding itself is fun.
But now I see it as an opportunity to officially form a new family together. To promise a kind of loyalty you’ll never promise to anyone again.
I view it as both. I was in my 20s when marriage equality was being contested here and had heard many sad stories about LGBs being denied access to certain rights when it came to their partners. From homophobic parents barring long term partners access to hospitalized partners to a partner passing away and the living partner being unable to access any benefits.
I am not a heterosexual, but I will wager that given not only the legal privilege they once solely enjoyed but a societal one, that they perhaps take for granted these rights that are awarded to them with marriage.
Given that I grew up around such a time, I certainly do think about the legal benefits I will get to benefit from when I marry my gf. However, I won’t be entirely pragmatic. I love my gf and marriage would not only grant certain legal protections but bring on a stronger level of commitment one another.
You bring on good points. I feel straight people take for granted already the benefits of marriage. Whereas, we realize how powerful a marriage certificate can be and the protection it grants a couple.
Marriage is so much more than “celebrating our love” and brings a legitimacy to our relationships. Otherwise, what were we even fighting for?
I appreciate your answer.
Technically speaking, nothing more than a contract between two people. I got married because we wanted to have kids, and in order to put my name on the birth certificate we had to be married - this shit doesn't apply to straight ppl -. Also it is easier when dealing with financial matters.
Before I got married I thought it would be like dating+contract, but it hasn't been like that at all. Making that promise in front of everyone we knew was the most important thing I've ever done. The commitment joined us completely including all of our past and future mistakes and successes.
There was this moment after we got married where it emotionally made me pause and really feel that I have to live up to the promise she made to me that goes beyond just honoring my own promises. I need to be someone worthy of her commitment and the same for her.
I really do think there is some power in the ritual of marriage that goes way beyond a contract. The financial security of it is totally dwarfed by the promise of everything you are and will be to another person until your last dying breath. I genuinely believed I felt that way before the wedding, but after being married it's almost like we were unconsciously holding the more vulnerable parts of ourselves back.
Everyone structures their marriages differently, but we joined everything. There's no my money or my choices; it's all collectively ours and that is combined with our monogamous commitment. The trust you have to have in your partner to be that vulnerable is immense and marriage is where you really gotta put your money where your mouth is to safeguard that vulnerability.
Marrying my wife is the best decision I've ever made, but it's way more than a contract and not a choice to be made lightly.
That was fucking beautiful.
Where I live marriage is kind of meaningless. Any couple that lives together for more than 2 years becomes defacto common law and have the same protections. The real legal aspect comes from having children together. It was obvious early into my relationship with my wife that we would be together forever. We have the kind of love that if she died in a freak accident tomorrow, I really don't think I would ever be able to date anyone else. We knew we wanted kids which is even more legally binding than marriage so we thought "why not?". We had a courthouse wedding with our closest friends then went out to eat pizza. It was a fun little thing for us to show our love.
Oh man, this is a tough one for me.
I am 100% gay and have no idea what it feels like to be attracted romantically or sexually to a man.
Having said that, I have a combination of intense shame over my orientation coupled with a genuine loving bond with my soon to be ex-husband that muddies this whole concept of "marriage" in my head. I love my husband -- he is my best friend and he absolutely upheld his vows to take care of his wife when I was suicidal over my orientation and couldn't take care of myself for months.
I'm grieving over the loss of our marriage, not because I'm in love with him, because I'm afraid of losing the warmth, safety, support, familiarity, respect, connection.
But I need a wife, not a husband. We both know that, and he's the one gently trying to push me to be more independent and be little gay self.
Everything I have with him I know I will have with my future wife -- along with something completely foreign to me: passion. Actual desire to be intimate with my partner, not just because I'm "supposed" to.
Also, legally, marriage is a critical status. Being married allowed him to make health decisions on my behalf when I was unable to do so. Interacting with health, employment, and insurance systems is easier with the magic legal word "spouse."