Girlfriend of 2 years changed her mind about being gay
Advice Submitted July 9, 2020, 10:50 a.m. by spinkerandthenraHello everyone, I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I don't have many people to talk to about this issue. A few weeks ago, my LDR girlfriend broke up with me, saying she found out she was actually straight. This broke me, as I've gone through hell with my family as a result of the relationship, so much so that I even ended up moving house, and I truly, deeply cared about her. I suppose it was naive of me to think I'd found The One at 19, but we felt different. We both always had trouble finding friends, and we just clicked (best friends for 3 years before dating). Back to the issue, when I moved house, our relationship soared...for about 2 weeks, then she asked for an intimacy break, and a week later broke things off completely.
I, naturally, got upset and angry and didn't know what to do. I never expected my worst fear to come true, so I didn't handle it well at all. She offered to give me space but I declined, completely distraught. A week later, I couldn't handle it anymore, her pretending everything was back to normal and acting like "we" had never happened was too painful to bear while I was still putting my heart back together and trying to figure out what my plans for the future were. So I told her that and asked for that space she offered, and she got angry with me. I didn't reply to her, I didn't know how, and ended up not replying for 2 weeks because I just wanted time for the pain to go away, and when I came back, she said that me leaving hurt her. During those weeks, I found out that the reason she changed her mind is that she believed watching porn to be the source of her homosexual feelings, so when she stopped, her feelings for me did too. I never knew this was the sole reason, otherwise I would've considered it a giant red flag.
Today, we're still friends, (I think both of us hold onto it because of the 5 years of history and how well we used to get along) but I can't get over this upset and anger. We still have fun together sometimes, but it seems like she expects me to act like I used to, spending all my free time with her and doing whatever she wants to do without thinking of myself. I know I'm better off in the long run without the relationship, we both are, but I keep getting told that keeping up the friendship is unhealthy. I also get unreasonably angry or annoyed at a lot of things now, both emotions I hate. She and her views have changed so much since we broke up, sometimes it feels like talking to a totally different person. We're on opposite ends of just about everything now, and that irritates me sometimes because of just how intense her views have become in comparison to who she used to be. (I'm glad if they make her happy, but still.)
What do I do? How do I get over the remaining feelings of hurt and anger? How do I just treat her like a casual friend and make it clear to her without hurting her feelings that I cannot offer as much of my time as I used to? How do I stop feeling bad about that? How can I stop being angry at her for changing so much?
TL;DR: girlfriend of 2 years and best friend of 5 decided she was straight and is now a very different person. How do I get over the pain and anger and just treat her like a normal friend?
Any advice is appreciated.
wow that's a tough situation! i got nothing smart to say, commenting to boost the post.
Have you ever seen the movie Kissing Jessica Stein? It's basically your story, these women get into a relationship but one of them eventually realizes she actually isn't gay, even though she cares very much about the other woman. It has a happy ending, for both of them. Maybe you could watch it and have a good cry. It won't fix your feelings, but I find it a helpful outlet sometimes to get lost in some fiction that reflects my reality.
yeah I was disappointed with that ending but found the movie entertaining... as I life long insomniac, I remember during the first date, Jessica says; I've been suffering from insomnia, -and the other girl replies: "I'm sorry how long has it been going on"? and Jessica: "since I was born"? -- that cracked me up
You are (were) 19 and in an LDR. You will get past this!
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain you're going through. Everything will be fine, but there are some pain that I believe only with the time will heal. And yes, I don't think keeping in contact with her is a good idea, but I know it's easier said than done given the fact that you were so close and know each other for a couple of years. But, in my opinion, I think the only way is really starting no contact with each other and move on completely. (Perhaps no contact for a couple of months or something like that).
I can't help but to also feel perplexed on how you were dating this girl for 2 years and she only realised she wasn't gay after 2 years. I find it so strange and even more awkward when the reason she thought that was because of porn. Does anyone here has some sort of explanation for this? (PS: I'm just curious because I don't know how can someone base his/her sexual orientation on porn, something so unrealistic)
I watched some lesbian porn when I was younger. I admired their bodies and admittedly got turned on but when the sex started, it was the scariest thing I'd ever seen. But I do get why some might base their sexual orientation to porn, because porn whilst unrealistic is still sex. So it might be helpful to some people who can't have a relationship.
Thank you for your response
I'm really sorry to hear that, as it sounds super painful to be blindsided like that! It will take time to grieve and heal. One thing I have noticed is that people who seem to go through radical personality changes (including sudden sexual orientation shifts) are usually mentally/emotionally unstable. Obviously people do tend to go through more rapid changes when they are young, especially as teenagers and young adults, but what you described sounds a bit red flaggy to me.
It sounds like you need to set firm boundaries with her even if she gets upset or angry with you about them. I'd recommend therapy if you need some help and guidance with this - there's also good books about boundaries you could check out.
very true that.
This is a prime example of a relationship (in all senses of the word) running its course and coming to a natural end - Find a way to embrace the change that is currently happening.
The reason why you dont sleep with your friends is because it get's hella messy, im not scolding you, you're so young and have so much more to experience, so much to learn about yourself and people.
I know it hurts. In my experience it hurts more to keep someone around who, effectively, probably lied to you about her feelings for all of that time. You may not want to believe that she's a shitty person but a girl who is only with you because the porn turns her on? Damn, that's shitty - That has cheapened your whole relationship and everything you felt for her and it. With that in mind, i would highly recommend you drop this girl and fast. Make room for new people to come into your life? People that wont hold information back like she did.
No "normal" friend would strike up an intimate relationship with you because they liked porn and then suddenly break it off after 2 years and then expect you to live your life like it never happened - That is cruel and dehumanising to say the least. You deserve better than that - Dont settle for less than basic fucking decency or people will walk all over you.
This happened to me not too long ago. I ended up feeling lost and questioning everything. Let me start off with saying I’m really sorry it happened to you, but at least to me there’s no magical way to fix the anger and confusion. My best advice is to distract yourself, not avoid the situation and your feelings but understand you have them, then basically tell them to fuck off and do pottery or whatever makes you feel better. Then, when you’re ready, try to grow from it.
You need to grieve the relationship that you lost and see this as starting afresh. Then ask yourself if this was someone that you had just met, would you want to be friends with them? Base it on who she is now and the discussions you have had.
Maybe look at increasing your social circle. I’m making an assumption I imagine if you were to end up seeing someone else, she’ll get in the way whether in person as she sounds like a selfish person or your feelings will.
I think you need to have distance from her to truly heal and grieve
It can be hard (speaking from experience) but if you have a group of friends separate from her it can make it a little easier.
This is solid advice.
It’s never easy to continue on as friends when the breakup wasn’t mutual. She will interfere with your new relationships to come, and I believe you will have such a hard time letting go of what once was. Some relationships/friendships aren’t meant to last. You learn and cherish what you once had, and move on.
More power to you if you can forgive this person but i never would lmao
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have not been in your exact situation, but I can say that for any heartbreak, these are things I have done in order to move on over time:
1. Feel your emotions and acknowledge them. It's normal to feel grief and anger in these moments. Grief because you lost not only a romantic relationship, but a friendship. Anger because you feel betrayed and hurt, and it seems like the other person doesn't care about how much pain you're in, or acknowledge the difficult time you are having.
2. Take your energy and place it elsewhere, ideally in something new and creative. Someone mentioned pottery. I wrote songs. Maybe you've had a project in mind for a while. This helps to put a place for your feelings and focus your mind on something productive and enjoyable.
3. Take all the distance you need. You don't owe her emotional support. She needs to handle the loss of the friendship in her own way. Maybe one day you can return, but today is not that day and forcing it will only build resentment and anger.
4. Forgive yourself. I don't know what you are feeling, but sometimes you can feel guilty for being angry at or wanting space from someone you cared deeply for. Or you feel ashamed for not picking up on signs that you think you missed. Maybe you'll look back at everything and try to find where you went wrong. Maybe you think you aren't getting over this "fast enough", even though you have a right to take whatever time you need. Whatever the case may be, you gave a relationship a chance and put your heart in it, and now that is causing you pain. You're human and it can become a reflex to blame yourself, but anger and grief are natural emotions.
5. Find support somewhere. Even if it's here with us. Someone you can vent to, who will sincerely listen, when the feelings become overwhelming.
These have worked for me, but everyone is different. Thought I would share in case it helps. Again, I am so sorry you are in pain. I wish you the absolute best.
oh my god!!
I'm not in the same situation as the author, but I still very much needed to hear this! 👏🏻
Thank you so much for this well-written comment, I'm gonna save it <3
I know you you made clear you don’t want to hear this but I’ll say and I’ll not only say but I’ll say in a rude way:
Grow a back bone and tell her to get lost.
It’s clear you love her and when we love someone we can’t judge them partially and reasonably but please read what you just wrote again and again till you realize that does not matter how nice and forgiving you are when describing her, she still seems like a shitty person and that’s because she is. Regardless of how much you don’t want her to be and don’t to accept that she is, she still is.
I know it hurts and it’s easier to say than to put in practice but you’re just 19, move on. Distance and time will heal the pain. The pain will never go away if you don’t let it heal and if you love her so much I find it hard to believe that it will ever heal if you keep her in your life.
Does it worth keep her in your life? Ask this question to yourself and answer this question to yourself.
You can say and think this with other words to make it sounds better to yourself but the raw true - if things are the way you said - is that ‘her’ from the past lied and used you, ‘her’ from the present doesn't align with you in nothing. In your words “almost a different person”. As someone already said here “if you let the past completely in the past and start fresh with this person that she is now, that you don’t agree with in anything, would you want to be friends with her?
If you want to be friends with her then I guess it start now because she clearly wasn’t your friend in the past, a friend wouldn’t do you so dirty like she did.
Keep in mind that the “lovable” side of her probably only exist in your mind. Because liars are liars and to lie like she did to you takes pro skills, my friend.
I’m sorry if my response is too raw or even mean, I do feel sorry for you and I don’t want to disrespectful but it seems - A LOT - like you’re in denial and don’t want see her as she is and see this situation as it is, so I think you may need some indelicate but honest advice.
Someone who tells a lesbian that “lesbian porn made me think I was a lesbian” is so fucking clueless they are beyond redemption. lol. Can you even fucking imagine your best friend who is now your girlfriend being like “my porn fetish made me think I loved you, sorry girl, but still give me attention...”
This is what I think too. She wants attention. This always happen, let’s be honest.
A straight woman using a lesbian to get her ego massaged, enjoining the attention - and in this case orgasming too lol - nothing new under the sun.
Pahahah I thought exactly that but I didn't want to sound rude in my comment 😂
Well, the ex is RUDE. Lol
As someone who get played so much in this life I know the nice advices that feed our delusions are music to ears but we need some brutal grumpy friend to tell us that we’re being dumb and we deserve better.
But homegirl is fighting over a woman who told her that she has being with her FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS only for sex cuz shes pornsick. Think I’m not brutal enough she need some hardcore advisor 🤣🤣
Yeah, you're totally right. I just idk, OP must be suffering a lot rn and I was kind of a coward, didn't want to seem rude idk 😂 but a brutal grumpy friend is always useful indeed 👍🤣 I agree with you
I'm in a similar situation. A few years ago she and I were together and taking the next step to move in together. We had previously been friends for many years. A day before she was meant to move in with me, she changed her mind. About moving, about us, about everything.
Needless to say it hurt, a lot. We gave each other space but a lot happened to us during that time apart (her mom passed away, my grandfather) and we both came out of it differently. Our mutual friends urged us to reconnect and hopefully still try to be friends. However, she ended up deleting me from everything because it hurt her too much to see my presence online. I tried to talk to her, but things were just different. I felt spiteful about her and watched her presence online for a while, until I realized how toxic that was for my own healing.
The last time we talked was three years ago, and our mutual friends all gravitated towards her after everything. We all used to game together back then, and I tried to over the last few years to still invite them but they never replied to me or said they were a full group. I had had enough and only recently disconnected from them too. I no longer feel spiteful towards her, or even our friends, more instead of a general loneliness.
If you ever want to talk to someone whose been through a similar thing, my inbox is always open. Either way, I hope you find peace in yourself eventually.
Cut her off. she sounds nuts and you’re not going to get over it if you keep talking to her
I would no longer be friends with this person. A little honesty in the beginning would have went a long way, I wouldn't be able to trust them again and what's the point of a friend you can't trust?
Hey!
This is a real sucky situation, to put it lightly. She sounds like she’s really unsure of herself and her feelings, and I think it would be a lot healthier for you to just stop talking to her and give both of you some well-needed space.
I know exactly what you mean about going through hell and back with your family for her, I was in a similar situation with my ex, and it really hurt when we broke up a couple months ago. It really sucks because it feels like your whole life has changed for this person, and now it seems like they don’t want you anymore.
Just stop talking to her. I know it’s really hard and I know you’re going to find yourself gravitating back, but you need to be strong and just cut it off. I’m a huge believer that everything happens for a reason, and that if it’s meant to be it’ll work out.
If she truly is “the one” then you guys will be okay in the long run, and if she’s not, you have someone better waiting for you. I promise.
Keep your head up