I've written about this more than once.

This is the not the first web community I've been part of. The one I spent 10 years with is dominated by bullies and people that I had great affection for....don't return it

They're assholes. Actually, it's a perfect mirror of real life. I've met a lot of these people, know their real names, seen their faces (and God help me, they've seen mine, long ago). It became an informal meetup group, really. This was the last resource I had to make friends.

And now...I hate these people. They hate me back. It's so pathetic; most of them are middle aged.

I'll just say it - I wish I had people who I had history with who validated my anger. I had one such penpal, and she disappeared. And I know there's only so much of that other people can take.

But I look at "alumni" from this please who made real friends after meeting people in person, text people, and have people find them interesting.

I've wanted that my whole life.

That's really the worst part of this all - of being a femcel, of being a consummate failure (in health, professionally, socially, in terms of taste) - I just don't matter, and I'm consumed by indignation, humiliation, loneliness, and boredom all day. And eventually those idle thoughts go to paranoid intrusive thoughts.

I have no control over a deeply disturbing world outside my nightmares and fears, nor the daily, nauseating, sweaty presence of the latter.

Nobody in my life that isn't related to me cares if I care about them. Nobody in my life really cares if I see things the way they do. I made no friends in college. I have no close friends from high school.

I wish my emotional and personal historical landscape weren't that of an angry frightened loser, because if I did have friends, I'd exhaust them. I have one family member who suffers as much as I do, and has suffered more. (They were assaulted and severely physically hurt.) I exhaust them, they exhaust me.

It'd be like having a friend in class who calls out the same bullies that make you life or your "scene" shitty. It's so pathetic! But it's true. It's just amazing how much better I'd feel if someone validated my anger or saw what I saw about he things that disturb me.

In terms of this forum, the people I cared about very much either turned on me, revealed themselves as most people who know me from real life do, or just...don't give a shit. Like, they moved on. They have real life friends. I've talked about a male acquaintance who has 200 and continuously makes them.

This is the 20th year I've wished people happy birthday who could not give a fuck less, maybe even written something personal - there is nobody in my life who isn't related to me who knows my birthday.

I'm young. I'm only in my 30s.

But professionally, in terms of failure, and considering that even before COVID, I was isolated and it only seems to get worse each year...I feel very, very old.

I guess I should be grateful I'm not in college these days. It looks fucking awful.

This is so embarrassing and so pathetic but God damn, it is tormenting me. I wish someone were angry for me! I wish someone cared about me and were there to receive my anger - about my petty fucking life and the things that have disappointed me or make me feel small, maybe even about things I'm afraid of.